Smart Parenting in Modern Times

Smart Parenting in Modern Times

May 8, 2022   Return

Many of us remember how strict our parents were back when we were young, and it was not uncommon for many of us to be at the receiving end of a smack or a whack of the rotan. However, these days, what worked for our parents might not work for us when it comes to our children.

So said Zaid Mohamad, a well-known parental coach and author, during the recent Cita-cita with Wyeth Nutrition event at KidZania Kuala Lumpur. While presenting his talk Role Model: From Nagging to Coaching, he pointed out advances in technology have changed the way our children perceive the people around them (their parents included).

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What our children need

Parents who are present.

Children like approachable parents, according to Zaid. They feel comforted knowing that their parents would be there for them when they need love, advice or simply a listening ear. Thanks to modern communication technology, we do not have to be always physically there for our children – we can always be close to our children through WhatsApp and such even if we have to be at work.

Parents who support.

“Remember how we used to tune out when our parents nag?” asked Zaid. “Well, our children would do the same when we begin nagging!” Children of all ages dislike being talked down to, they prefer to be engaged by their parents.

To be such parents, we need to be good in communicating with our children, as well as in motivating them.

 

Little changes for greater impact

Changing our parenting style to achieve this does not require large overhauls – all we need are small simple changes that would make a big positive difference to our children.

Focus on actions, not the person.

By focusing on a child rather than his or her actions, we tend to pigeonhole the child into labels – “the naughty one”, “the rude one”, and such. Such action has a tendency to steer us into negative thinking. Instead, Zaid recommended focusing on what the child has done, and react to that.

Be clear and specific in your feedback.

If you are not happy with your child for a reason, Zaid said that you should make sure that your child knows why his behaviour is unacceptable.

To illustrate the above two points, let’s imagine that your child is making a loud racket during his bedtime. Instead of focusing on him and calling him a naughty child, point out that his action is causing everyone else to be unable to sleep. Point out that everyone else would be very tired due to inadequate sleep, Mom and Dad would be late to work, and such. This way, your child will understand why his action is not acceptable.

 

Use positive language.

Do not be that parent who only offers criticism and nothing else, as too much negativity can desensitise a child to what you are telling him. On the other hand, parents who praise as well as criticise can hold their children’s attention better, motivating them to improve on their behaviour.

Of course, sometimes it can be hard for us to stay sunny and upbeat in front of our children. Our mood may be darkened by incidents at the workplace, exhaustion, stress and even the traffic jams we have to endure on our way back home.

Zaid’s personal solution to this dilemma is that he would not enter his house until he has destressed. If he has had a bad day, he would stop by his favourite mamak shop to chill. After a cup of teh tarik – two, if necessary – he would chat with the owner and playfully ask the owner whether he looked cheerful or fearsome. Once he knows that he can put a smile on his face, only then he would resume his journey home.

“Don’t enter the house with a scowl or a bad temper. Like the late American poet Maya Angelou said, people would not remember what you said or do, but they would always remember how you make them feel,” said Zaid. “Your children miss you and want to spend time with you when you come home from work, so make every moment you have with them a special one.”

For more information on Zaid’s smart parenting courses and books, visit www.smartparents.com.my.

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Keeping Junior Safe on the Road

Keeping Junior Safe on the Road

May 8, 2022   Return

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Road accidents happen as much as we hate to think about them and as much as we try our best to avoid them. You may be stuck in a massive holiday season-induced jam, your car crawling at a snail’s pace with your children in the back constantly asking “Are we there yet?” when suddenly, the driver of the car behind yours accidentally steps on the accelerator instead of the brake causing his car’s front bumper to ram into your car’s back bumper. Not a great way to start the holidays, right?

Although the above scenario doesn’t sound serious, real-life accidents can be far more costly – and we aren’t just talking about money. Annually, many people, especially children, are killed or injured in car crashes. But while accidents are sometimes beyond our control, we can do our part in minimizing or preventing the harm which occurs.

“We often read about a spike in road accidents during the holidays,” says Consultant Paediatric and Adult Orthopaedic & Trauma Surgeon Dr Ong Shong Meng. “But what saddens me the most is reading about children dying in accidents due to a lack of proper child seats and restraints. According to the Malaysian Institute of Road Safety Research, the usage of appropriate child seats and restraints could have reduced deaths in infants by about 70% and in children aged 1-4 by 54% while injuries in children aged 4-7 could have been lowered by 59%.”

“Children usually have it worse”

Asked about the injuries from which children commonly suffer in motor accidents, Dr Ong explains, “The consequences for kids may be much worse than adults. The head, neck and torso are commonly affected body parts, with head injuries being the most prevalent. Common types of head injury are concussion and skull-based fractures. These are most frequently seen in children aged 1-7.”

Other injuries include:

  • Rib fractures e.g. lung and thoracic injuries to which children below 1 year old are more prone.
  • Abdominal injuries i.e. small and large bowel injuries. These encompass injuries of the liver, spleen and kidneys. Kids aged 4-7 are most susceptible.
  • Upper extremity injuries e.g. elbow and forearm fractures. Kids aged 1-3 are most at risk.
  • Lower extremity injuries e.g. pelvic, femur and tibia fractures. Children below 1 are most vulnerable.

“Of all these injuries, head injuries are the most worrying. These children may experience neurophysiological issues which may affect their ability to read, write or interact.” This is where booster car seats and restraints come in.

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Seat up!

“Having proper booster seats can make the difference between life and death. Parents need to select seats based on their children’s age and size, and of course, the seat must fit properly in their vehicle. Always refer to your vehicle owner’s manual for instructions on how to install booster seats and details like height and weight limits,” Dr Ong emphasises. “Also, remember that your children can use these seats for as long as possible, as long as their height and weight fall within the manufacturer’s requirements.”

Delving further, he says, “The type of seat varies with a child’s age.”

0-2 years: Rear-facing car seat. Infants and toddlers should be buckled into a rear-facing car seat in the back seat. In the event of an accident, a frontal crash component in rear-facing car seats causes the child’s head to move further into the seat’s cocoon while the side wings offer additional protection. Typically for infants/ toddlers who weigh 13 kg or less.

2-5 years: Forward-facing car seat. The child should use this until at least the age of 5 or when they reach the upper weight or height limit of their particular seat. Normally for kids weighing 8-18 kg.

5 years and above: The child must be buckled in a belt-positioning booster seat. For children who weigh 15-36 kg.

“But once the car seat belt fits a child properly, booster seats are no longer required. Parents can tell when the lap belt lies across the upper thighs while the shoulder belt lies across the chest.” He adds, “The safest spot for a booster seat is in the centre of the car back seat, rather than on the sides. Studies show that children seated in the centre rear have a 43% lower risk of injury compared to those in other parts of the car.”

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Strap up!

Booster seats are important but so are restraints. Dr Ong offers tips:

  • Seatbelt straps must be tight so much so that the seats cannot move more than an inch by themselves.
  • Ensure there are no twists in the seatbelts and harness straps.
  • The car seat’s base must be at the correct reclining angle.
  • Carrier straps must be tight and the harness clip should be at the same level with the child’s shoulders or armpits.
  • Buckle the child into the seat before placing a blanket over the harness.
  • The straps should be snug with no more than 1-finger space.
  • If there is a gap between the buckle and the child’s groin, place a rolled washcloth or diaper in the space after they have been securely fastened into the seat.

Dr Ong concludes, “Accidents may be inevitable sometimes but providing your children with the right booster seat and restraints can save their life. So, travel safely and wisely this holiday.”

Airbags: friend or fiend?

Airbags are meant to provide protection and restraint during accidents but they can also be life-threatening. He says, “It’s advisable for kids to sit in the rear, especially those below 14 years old. Airbags inflate almost immediately upon impact (as quickly as 20 milliseconds) and expands at about 257 km/h. Not to mention, children’s bones and muscles are still developing and can easily experience skull, cervical spine or brain stem injuries.”

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A Terror in the Night

A Terror in the Night

May 7, 2022   Return

“Mommy, don’t let them catch me! They are coming to take me away!” screams the little boy as he jumps off his bed from his sleep, trembling in fear, dashing left and right in total confusion. His mother comforts him but he continues his loud screams, hyperventilating as he fixes his gaze on a corner of his room as if someone was waiting there to get him.

Does that sound like something out of a horror story? Except it’s not. That episode was one of the many experienced by a mother who had to deal with her 6-year-old son’s night terrors for 2 whole months.

Claire (not her real name), a mother of 3 children, had no idea how to deal with her youngest son’s sudden change in nocturnal behaviour, something she never encountered with her older children.

It all started 3 days after Joshua underwent ear surgery. She assumed that her son was just having a nightmare, but as nights went by, the magnitude of his night terrors became more dramatic. She even began to fear for her son’s safety, as he would nod off and then freak out at public places, making her worry that he would injure himself or other people.

She also discovered that Joshua had absolutely no recollection of his acts, until she showed him a video recording of him experiencing his nightmares.

Her elders insisted that Joshua might be possessed, and Claire should seek traditional healers to help her son. Claire, however, refused to entertain the possibility and went online in an attempt at finding the answer to her son’s problem. Her search led her to a condition with which she wasn’t familiar in all her 13 years as a mother: night terrors.

Claire spoke to many mothers in her community, even brought it to social media but no one in her circle could relate to it. However, there were many outside of Malaysia who discussed night terrors in parenting forums. Their experiences seemed to be related closely to Joshua’s condition and this realisation comforted her, letting her know that she wasn’t the only mother facing this problem.

“I did everything I could to get him to come out of this – I stopped him from playing on his devices, even forbade my older kids from playing on theirs around him,” says Claire. She explains that the last move was because Joshua occasionally screamed out that he was being attacked by characters in his video games during his night terror episodes. “I consulted the surgeon who did his ear operation, as I had read of some children developing night terrors after an ENT surgery, probably due to the anaesthetic. But, his surgeon had not heard of any such cases.”

She continues to tell us, “I eventually obeyed my elders – prayed and blessed him with sacred oils and water, but nothing brought it to stop until one night when he slept through peacefully.”

Startled by the unexpected development, Claire began evaluating the events that could have led to it. “Since the start of Joshua’s night terrors, I had gone back to sleeping with him, to protect him from injuring himself from his episodes. I recalled what I had done differently that day and realised he took an afternoon nap.”

It seemed so simple a solution that it was almost unbelievable, but to Claire’s joy, it worked. “Ever since then, I had made a point to making him sleep in the afternoon, no matter how busy my schedule is, and things have been under control since then!”

What could have made this difference? “Experts have said that exhaustion can trigger night terrors. I never realised until then that my son was lacking sleep. Now, even he reminds me to take him to bed in the afternoon because he does not want to have us endure another night of his terror! This is a wake-up call I guess. I was so habituated in our daily routine, waking up at 6 and rushing the kids to school and work that I did not realise I had neglected my preschooler’s crucial need – SLEEP!”

For more insights on night terrors and its differences from nightmares, visit The University of Chicago’s Pediatrics Clerkship website at this link:  https://pedclerk.bsd.uchicago.edu/page/night-terrors-and-nightmares or Mayo Clinic at www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/night-terrors/basics/definition/con-20032552

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Smells like Teen Spirit

Smells like Teen Spirit

May 8, 2022   Return

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It seems like it was just yesterday when you were the hero in your son’s eyes and your daughter would be more than happy to accompany you to pick an outfit for the evening. These days, your now-teenage children seem lost in their own world; uninterested in what you have to say and even challenging you in some situations. Whether you are ready for it or not, your ‘little babies’ have entered teenage hood – a confusing, and at times frustrating, period of change for teens and their parents alike.

As parents, it may be bittersweet to know that your child is growing apart, the emotional separation is necessary for them to become well-adjusted adults. Raising a teenager can be trying. Fortunately, there are tips to help make the transitional easier.

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More love, less pressure

These days, teens feel more pressure than ever by the peers in their social circle, and the last thing they look forward to is parental pressure at home. The best you can do as a parent is to make them feel better with positive attention. In their rebellious phase, teenagers need to feel heard and validated. Thus, showing them that you listen and respect their feelings can go a long way in getting along with your teen.

Despite your best efforts, your teen may show disinterest in bonding. If such is the case, take a more subtle approach, such as starting conversations during family meals or talking to them during commute.

Sometimes teens face emotional issues and struggles that they are not comfortable opening up to their parents, for fear of being invalidated. Do not interrogate or force them to interact with you! That would only cause them to become more distant. Instead, encourage them to talk to adults you trust to be a positive influence, such as a school teacher, an uncle or aunt, or an older cousin.    

Give them space to grow

Amidst coping with hormonal changes and peer pressure, teenagers are at a stage where they are on an internal quest of discovering their sense of individuality. Parents need to allow them to have the freedom of self-expression. This includes forming opinions, how they choose to dress and present themselves, the friends they surround themselves with and the activities they want to be involved in.  

However, being a permissive parent does not mean letting your teen have their way, while you secretly worry and hope that they do not get into trouble. You can allow them to have age-appropriate autonomy, but lay down the ground rules of what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Talk to your teen about the responsibilities that come with freedom, such as adhering to curfew, cultivating good spending habits, and calling home to notify you of their whereabouts.         

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Don’t sweat the small stuff     

As a parent, it can be easy to feel alarmed and imagine the worst case scenario when seeing your teenage child change in the way they behave. Rather than reacting to every situation deemed inappropriate, pick your battles wisely.

If your teenager wants to colour their hair, for instance, be open and accept that this is a way for them to express themselves. After all, the change is harmless and temporary. Your concerns should be focused on bigger things that matter. Namely, the stuff your teen could be involved in that does themselves permanent harm. 

It may not be easy or pleasant, but parents need to have regular conversations with teens about issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex and the company they keep. Teach them real risks and the worst that could happen, such as the dangers of drug addiction and unwanted pregnancies. Refrain from resorting to scare tactics and threats in hopes of deterring them from bad behaviour when addressing serious issues. Remember, for the internet generation, knowledge is readily available at their fingertips! Keep the discussions mature, factual and open, making sure your teen does not feel like you are cornering them or scrutinising their behaviour. Most importantly though, teach them to think critically and question things for themselves.           

Give credit where it is due

Parents tend to worry that too much praise will lead to teenagers feeling overconfident, and eventually overstepping their boundaries. In actual fact, teenagers find constant nitpicking and criticism of their behaviour by parents to be demoralising and an attack on their character. If your teen exhibits good behaviour and discipline, give praise as justified and reward them accordingly. A little extra pocket money and a pat on the back, telling them to keep it up, will bring you both closer. 

Conversely, when teenagers make mistakes, allow them to feel guilty and hold them accountable for their actions. Being their protectors, you may be concerned that their self-esteem could be hurt, but allowing teens to feel bad about their faults will instil in them a stronger sense of responsibility. Just avoid further browbeating them and going overboard with punishments.  

Be patient and keep walking the talk

Who better to demonstrate ethical behaviour to children than parents themselves? Parents’ actions matter more than words when it comes to instilling good values in teenagers. So, as the old adage goes, always practice what you preach!

Raising teenagers does not have to result in creating tension within the family, although a lot of patience is required of parents. The key when dealing with teen rebelliousness is to do what is best for them, not what would feel good for you as a parent. 

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References:

Mayo Clinic. Available at www.mayoclinic.com

WebMD. Available at www.webmd.com

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“But I’m bored, Mum!”

“But I’m bored, Mum!”

May 8, 2022   Return

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“There’s a 104 days of summer vacation and school comes along just to end it. So the annual problem for our generation, is finding a good way to spend it!”  Well, parents of young children ought to recognize the lyrics as they are from the theme song of the popular children’s television series, Phineas and Ferb. At least they had spontaneous grand plans on how to spend their holidays, giving their mother her overdue rest; but that’s not the case for most of us. Many parents dread school breaks with the million-dollar question on their mind

“How am I going to entertain my children for these many days?”

While some parents have no qualms about seeing their child spend hours glued to the screen of a gadget, there are many who do, and feel subtle disappointment on their part for permitting it. Bruce Perry, an American psychiatrist says, “Children don’t need more things. The best toy a child can have is a parent who gets down on the floor and plays with them.” So feeling guilty alone is not enough; parents are responsible for making a difference in how their young ones spend their precious time.

It may be a challenge to get the older kids to obey the NO GADGET RULE compared to the younger ones, but both the young and the not-so-young can be thought to make wiser choices if they were given… yes, CHOICES!

Let’s journey to the great outdoors

1. Camp it up

Set up a camp in your garden or backyard (if you live in an apartment, turn your living room into a campsite for a few days). Serve up a healthy ‘camp menu’ (which your children can have a hand in preparing) and play games such as stack-up cups or create an obstacle course out of boxes. For the latter, you can have your children design and build them as a day-long or several days worth of entertainment.

2. Green is the way to go

Start a vegetable garden with your children. Choose fast-growing vegetables or herbs to help them learn the growth process of a plant, and have them take turns watering and tending the garden. If you live in an apartment, create one indoors by the window using recycled containers as pots. You could even have them paint the pots before planting the seeds.

3. Visit a wet market

Wake your kids up early in the morning and take them to the wet market. Have them identify and pick out local fish, meats or poultry, and vegetables for the day or week’s supply. Most kids these days have no idea how a wet market works or if it even exists. Hence, the school holiday is the best time to take them on a great educational excursion.

4. Hop on to a ride

Get your gears and bag, park your car at the closest train or bus station, and hop onto the public transport with your kids for a day out in the city or to a recreational park. Let your children use their five senses to study the world around them. It would be a good social experience, which will help them also learn about the various races and lifestyle of the people in our country.

5. Swimming isn’t just for fishes

Arm your family with the towels (don’t forget the change of clothes!), pack a picnic basket and some pool/beach toys and head down to the pool. A day submerged in water activities can tire your children out and keep their energy bursts in check over several days!.

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Home sweet home!

1. Arts and crafts

Electronic devices have made many things effortless for children especially when it comes to arts and crafts[mr1] . While being able to express themselves extensively on an electronic device, children these days find themselves lost between a pencil and a paper. [mr2] Pull out those manila cardboards, scissors, glue sticks and coloured papers and have them create origami, or a scrapbook of photos or stickers. Lay out the poster colours and get them to paint with their fingers, feet, or cotton buds. Let their imaginations run wild. If you must, help stimulate their mind by looking through art books or magazines for inspiration.

2. Balloon fun

There are many creative ideas available for indoor games that use balloons. Hit balloon that are filled with helium with a toy gun or use a pool noodle to keep the balloon up in the air for as long as they can – these are just a few ideas. Children love repetitive activities and can enjoy such activities for hours.

3. Movie time

Spend a day with your kids being a movie buff! Movies are not only entertaining; they are another medium to teach your children visual literacy. Watch a movie and then, discuss it with your kids. Have them express their likes or dislikes, much like a movie critic would. Ask them questions and listen to their answers – this also helps you understand your children better while giving them the freedom to express their thoughts.

4. Book challenge

Make a trip to the bookstore, or the town library and get some books back home. Draw out a ‘Board of Fame’ chart on a big card with the names of your children on it and award them with a gold star each time they finish a book. The one with the most stars at the end of the holidays will win a surprise prize. This will not only have them racing for the prize, it will cultivate a good reading habit.

5. Costume party

Yes, it may not be Halloween yet but who needs a reason to party, right? Get your kids to invite their friends over for a costume party. No, not just any costume bought from the store, but self-designed and home-sewn costumes. The pre-party project itself will require few days of planning and work and is a great way to fill up the weeks with the children at home before the actual party day.

Hope these ideas erase the words “I’m bored, Mum! Can I play with the iPad now?” from your children.

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References:

Education World. Available at www.educationworld.com

Stay At Home Mum. Available at www.stayathomemum.com.au

Ingspirations. Available at www.ingspirations.com

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My Child is a Bully…

My Child is a Bully…

May 7, 2022   Return

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When news of an 8 year-old boy in Klang who chose to snip his own tongue instead of taking a punch to his face from five bullies in his school spread all over the local media back in March this year, the public was outraged. While this boy is fortunate to still have his tongue (despite the trauma he will probably grow up with, thanks to bullying), what are be the thoughts and fate of the five bullies and their families? Many wanted to see those boys punished for their bad behaviour, but what made them behave that way in the first place? How does a bully become a bully and what if that bully was your child?  

Types of bullying

Bullying is defined as unwanted, hurtful, humiliating, and aggressive behaviour that occurs repeatedly in a relationship with an imbalance of power and strength. There are four types of bullying – verbal, physical, relational and cyber-bullying, each varying from mild to extreme.

What makes a bully?

Bullies are made, not born – that is something parents need to remember.

According to Tom Thelen, America’s top anti-bullying and motivational speaker, bullying is ultimately about power, the need to feel powerful and intimidating over another person (the victim). Research has found that a child tends to emulate the actions of the people they see around them. Their environment determines their behaviour, the way they manage crisis and their outlook on life.

Some of the environmental factors are:

  • Family values (eg, home with domestic violence, fractured or broken home, neglectful parents, parents or siblings who behave like bullies themselves).
  • Socio-economic status (eg, poverty which could lead to resentment and envy of those who are more privileged than the child).
  • Friends and associations in and out of school and in the neighbourhood (eg, living in a violent crime-infested neighbourhood or wishing to emulate a bully who is perceived by the child as ‘cool’).
  • Online interactions with other netizens (eg, hanging out with communities that encourage aggressive behaviour).

That is not to say that children in such environments are inevitably going to become bullies. It is found that parents who instill a strong moral and ethical foundation in these children would help these children become well-adjusted people who could tell apart good from bad behaviour. Hence, parental TLC and guidance are essential in helping children rise over circumstances such as poverty and broken homes.

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Signs of a bully

Bullies do not fit into a neat little box, but there are some traits that we can recognize to identify a bully..

When a bully lashes out, it is a cry for help, according to  psychology research. Bullies bully because they want something – be it emotional gratification or a material reward. Bullying has a distinctive pattern; if your child enjoys saying nasty things about others, making others feel bad about themselves, taking pleasure in teasing others, pushing and shoving others, threatening or possessing  money or toys that do not belong to them, you shouldn’t turn a blind eye – these could be tell-tale signs that need to be addressed. .

Then there is another targeted behaviour problem known as ‘The Jekyll and Hyde Child’. These children are capable of alternating between being a complete tyrant and a complete angel depending on the situation and their needs. Their charming ‘angelic side’ can fool parents, teachers and practically anyone, even causing them to believe that these children’s victims are lying.

When someone tells you your child is a bully.

If you get a call from the schoolteacher saying your son has bullied another kid, or if a parent comes knocking at your door with a complaint about something your child did to theirs, the first thing you need to do is to take the news calmly and do not at any point become defensive. You need to evaluate the situation by listening to both sides of the story, theirs and your child’s, and if required, pull in a neutral party to give an unbiased opinion about the situation. You need to understand what took place without letting emotions set in to see if it was a case of bullying or a mere misunderstanding, especially if you have never seen any signs in your child before.

There’s another important factor to also consider:is your child bullying because he’s a bully, or because he is standing up for himself against a bully. Or, does your child have any disability (eg autism) that might be getting in the way of his social behaviour?

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Dealing with the bully under your roof

If it is confirmed that your child has behaviour problems (not due to a disability), it needs to be addressed and stopped once and for all.

  1. Talk to your child. Let them know you respect them enough to hear them out and want to work with them to put an end to this. They need to believe they can trust you to let you in on their issues. At all times, do not be judgemental, do not compare and condemn your child. Instead, be firm and tell them that what they did was wrong, and thus they have made you unhappy. They need to know that there are higher authorities that would take drastic actions against them if this were to go on. Their behaviour would not just embarrass the family – it would affect and even damage their future.
  2. Be close to your child’s teachers and foster a good relationship with them. Therefore your child’s behavioural problems can be monitored and managed constantly and more closely.
  3. Get professional help. Seeking help from a family member or a counsellor at school school can help discover the deep-seeded cause of this ectopic behaviour in your child.
  4. Change your parenting style, especially if the problem is you. If you are neglecting your child’s need for attention, increase positive attention so that they do not have to go on bullying others for it.
  5. Discipline your child as soon as you notice signs of bullying immerging in them. Tell them that there would be consequences to face if they crossed the line. Putting anything on hold might make them think you can be manipulated and controlled as well.
  6. Teach your child how to respect and support their friends. Teach them empathy and how to get along socially with others. Include playtime or social time in their daily schedule if they are still young.
  7. Screen your child’s circle of friends. They spend a lot of time with their peers and the wrong ones can be detrimental.
  8. Help them to build their self-esteem. Get them involved in various activities such as sports, art, music, drama or robotics as this will build their confidence and make them feel less inferior.
  9. Improve your family bond by eliminating any form of abuse or violence that may be occurring in front of your child. Be a role model to them and keep their home as stable as possible since they could be lashing out at others due to fear, anger or depression caused by home events.
  10.  Provide positive feedback. When your child succeeds at handling a conflict well and shows compassion and empathy for others, praise them and recognize their efforts. Positive reinforcement can help improve their behaviour more effectively than punishment.
  11.  Pay close attention to their online activities. There are many psychologically insidious games online (eg violent ones) that could be influencing your child to be a bully.

Changing your child’s ways may take some time and a lot of effort, but do not give up. Use positive reinforcement to tap into their consciousness and soon you will see your child turn over a new leaf.

References:

Empowering Parents. Available at www.empoweringparents.com

NoBullying.com. Available at www.nobullying.com

Parents. Available at www.parents.com

Psychology Today. Available at www.psychologytoday.com

Raising Children. Available at www.raisingchildren.net.au

The Ravive. Available at www.theravive.com

The Star. Available at www.thestar.com.my

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Back to Basics

Back to Basics

May 8, 2022   Return

It goes without saying that parenthood is no walk in the park – and even more so if you are a working parent. Trying to juggle parenthood and work duties at the same time can take a toll on just about anybody. This is why it does not come as a surprise that some parents tend to overlook their children’s basic needs.

What are a child’s basic needs, you may ask? Let’s take a look at a few of them.

Get a good night’s rest

Adequate sleep is vital for your children as it has been proven to aid learning, improve memory, minimize impulsivity and hyperactivity, and enhance the immune system.

Eat a well-balanced diet

Ensure that your children’s daily diet consists of the five food groups: dairy (children are advised to consume 2-3 servings of milk and milk products daily); lean meat, fish and poultry; fruit; vegetables and grain. Also, minimize your children’s intake of salty and sugary foods by opting for healthier snacks such as carrots, apple slices, raisins and wholegrain crackers.

Keep teeth clean

Tooth brushing can commence as soon as your children’s first milk tooth breaks through (when your children are about 6 months old) and it must be for 2 minutes twice daily. Always use fluoride toothpaste, as it helps control or avoid tooth decay effectively.

Additionally, don’t forget to take your children for dental check-ups regularly. Make dental visits positive so your children won’t be afraid of the dentist.

Stay active

Children should have at least 60 minutes of physical activity daily. This is because exercise helps promote stronger bones and muscles, and lowers the risk of conditions eg, obesity, type 2 diabetes and hypertension. Exercises should focus on three aspect of fitness: flexibility, strength and endurance. Examples of this type of exercise include swimming, badminton and cycling.

Wash those hands!

Germs are everywhere and it’s very likely that they are on your children’s hands. Therefore, proper hand hygiene is crucial for minimizing your children’s risk of infection eg, flu, the common cold and diarrhoea. Ensure your children wash their hands with warm water and soap (remember to lather up for 20 seconds or so). Remind your children to wash between their fingers, wrists and under the nails.

References:

Healthy Kids Association. Available at www.healthy-kids.com.au

Malaysian Dietary Guidelines for Children and Adolescents. Available at www.moh.gov.my

Parenting. Available at www.parenting.com

Parents. Available at www.parents.com

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Parents Are Not Helicopters!

Parents Are Not Helicopters!

May 8, 2022   Return

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Once you become a parent, you would like to believe you are doing your very best for your child. There are no fixed rules on how to parent one’s children, but studies have identified various parenting styles: tiger moms, panda dads … and the subject of this article, helicopter parents. The latter is a term widely used to describe many parents today.

When parents hover

A helicopter parent is basically a very overprotective parent. They constantly hover over their children (hence, the term ‘helicopter parent’), obsessively planning for and micromanaging their child from birth to adulthood. They do and decide everything for their child even when the child is capable of doing it themselves, thus within the context of psychology, such parenting style is considered developmentally inappropriate. The bounds of appropriate parental behaviour should naturally shift as a child grows. Therefore, experts say helicoptering robs children of important lessons, thus creating helpless teenagers and later adults, who always look for their mommies and daddies to save them.

Are you a helicopter parent?

Do you:

  • Feel the need to keep constant contact with your child and to always monitor his movements and activities, just like a watchdog?
  • Take on the role of a bouncer in the playground so your kid gets to use the swing for as long as he wants, without allowing him to stand up or speak up for himself against other children?
  • Help fix his conflicts with other kids in school, or argue with these kids (and their parents, teachers and anyone else who disagree with you) even if your kid is wrong?
  • Find yourself enrolling your child for all types of extra-curricular activities, even if he isn’t interested? Come to think of it, you never even asked him if he wanted to do these things!
  • Feel the need to instantly gratify your child ie, by giving him everything he wants right away because you feel he deserves it all?
  • Constantly praise him even over matters that are not praise-worthy?
  • Help your child complete his assignments, taking upon yourself to do almost all of these tasks because you refuse to see your child get anything less than an A+ for it? Is your child playing on the tablet or phone while you are doing his homework for him?
  • Argue with your child’s class teacher because you feel that he deserves better grades (even if his actual performance did not warrant such a high grade), and demand exclusive treatment for your child from his teachers?
  • Attend a college entrance interview with your child and then act as his agent – lobbying for your kid, hoping he gets picked because his CV is seemingly perfect (thanks to you)? Do you send in his CV on his behalf to firms that you think should be more than lucky to have him, often without his knowledge?
  • Argue with your child’s lecturer if he didn’t make it on the honorary list?
  • Call your child’s boss at work to inform that he is on sick leave?

If you can relate closely to the above then you are a helicopter parent and you need to consider taking on a new approach in how you raise your child.

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Your kid never asked for a helicopter

Most helicopter parents don’t think hovering over their kid is inappropriate. Some see it as a gesture of true love or dedication. It only seems right that they carry out their obligation to see their children through everything, especially in this increasingly demanding world.

However, psychologists say that parents who truly care for their child will allow them to learn from life’s experiences, instead of shielding them from potentially unhappy situations. This is because overzealousness and overprotectiveness can smother a child’s independent development.

The effects of helicopter parenting on a child have been associated closely with problematic developments such as depression, narcissism, constant sense of entitlement, dependency, laziness and poor social skills. Because the children of such parents have not been given the chance to learn from their mistakes, to think rationally, or to face consequences for bad behaviour and actions, they become incapable of functioning independently. They have known to also suffer severely from most forms of criticism, especially in school and at the workplace, because they never had to entertain the possibility that they may not be perfect at everything. After all, their parents led them to believe that they are always perfect, and any errors they made were instantly rectified by their parents.  Hence, they never have to learn from their mistakes or be held accountable for them. When real life throws such situations at them, they do not know how to react or cope.

Also, the over-involvement of their parents with authority figures such as their child’s teachers or bosses can potentially dent the child’s reputation. Most children of helicopter parents end up living the dreams and ambitions of their parents instead of their own, and this may create a sense of discontentment later on in life. They may grow to resent their parents, and a rift may develop between the parents and child as a result.

Helicopter parents will also face some repercussions. Because so much of their lives were focused on their child, when the child leaves the house to start his own life, they do not what to do with themselves any more. As a result, they may feel lost, bereft, lonely, and even depressed.

How to be a parent, not a helicopter

The first and most important step is to let go – parents must start allowing their children to perform age-appropriate tasks on their own. Get their children involved in chores and allow them to hold responsibilities at home.

Let the child make his own mistakes, and learn from them. This means that parents should stifle the urge to fight their child’s fights in school or college. Don’t make excuses for them.

Don’t make excuses for them when they have to take on a difficult task from school or work.

When it comes to difficult situations, advise, guide and teach. Do not take over and do everything for them, or else they will never learn how to solve such situations on their own.

Teach them important skills such as time management and prioritizing important tasks.

Parents should not hand everything to the child on a platter – experts recommend ‘fasting’ them of unnecessary material wants (such as by making him work for a new toy by doing small errands, instead of just buying one for him because he asks for it), to help them learn self-control and discipline. This also teaches them to appreciate the things they worked for.

Family counsellors also urge parents to allow their children to experience failure and heart breaks. Teach them what they can learn from it instead of shielding them. This will help create adults who are resilient.

Parents should give themselves and their child enough space between each other to grow and discover. Even as parents, there is a learning curve that helps mould their emotional and mental state, which needs to be attended to. Parents and children can reap a mountain of benefits just by enjoying their own space.

Finally, parents must listen to their child. Listen not only to their verbal communications but their non-verbal communications – their actions and reactions.

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In conclusion

Matt Walsh, both an author and a parent, said, “Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do.” Indeed, everyone will have an opinion of how to do the job, but the best course of action for parents would be to lead by example. It’s normal for parents to have high expectations for their children, but instead of ‘mowing the lawn’ for these children throughout their lives, guide by example. Show them how to ‘mow the path’ on their own, and help them understand the choices they can make. Let them experience their weakness and struggles, so they would learn the world is not a bed of roses and they’ll learn to avoid the thorns. And when they flounder, that is when the parents should step in to guide, advise and support … and step out again when the child has everything back under control. That is what it means to be a parent.

References:

  1. Huffington Post. Available at www.huffingtonpost.com
  2. Parents. Available at www.parents.com
  3. Education. Available at www.education.com
  4. Live Strong. Available at www.livestrong.com
  5. TreeHugger. Available at www.treehugger.com
  6. Psychology Today. Available at www.psychologytoday.com

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Teaching Your Tot Table Manners

Teaching Your Tot Table Manners

May 7, 2022   Return

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When was the last time you ate out with your toddler? If you answer with a ‘never’, you aren’t the only one. For many new parents, eating out with their young child is a foreign and impossible notion. Why eat out when mealtimes with a toddler at home are already stressful enough, right?

Mind their P’s & Q’s

If you are a new parent, trying to coax your toddler into finishing their vegetables (and failing miserably), picking bits of spaghetti off the dining room walls, removing crumbs from their hair and wiping mashed peas off the carpet are all part and parcel of your mealtime experience. But as nightmarish as they may be, these mealtime misadventures can be tackled by introducing your tot to proper table manners.

The thing is you know exactly what your child should and shouldn’t be doing at the dining table (no chewing with their mouth open, always say ‘thank you’, ‘please’ and ‘excuse me’, no elbows on the table, etc) but teaching them is the problem!

Now, instilling good table manners in your toddler may seem an incredible feat but rest assured, it can be done. Be patient with them – after all, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Here are some suggestions which you can start off with:

It’s never too early

You can already begin teaching your child basic table manners when they are capable of eating independently in a high chair or old enough to sit at the dining table. Examples include teaching them to wipe their mouths after eating and saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. As they grow, you can then introduce them to more complex dining skills.

Make it pleasant

Don’t reprimand your toddler harshly when they misbehave at the table. This will only cause them to hate mealtimes. Instead, gently explain why it’s important for them to practise good table manners. If your toddler tends to forget easily, use gentle reminders to reinforce what you had taught them.

No electronics!

It can be tempting to keep your toddler occupied at the table with an iPad but this won’t improve your child’s table manners. In fact, this can do them more harm than good. Overexposure to electronics can cause impaired learning and delayed language skills. Experts say that kids thrive when they are read to and talked to. Mealtimes are perfect for your child to have some one-on-one time with you so don’t let these opportunities go to waste.

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Should you really have to distract them, use cutlery instead. If your toddler has a habit of swiping at the spoonfuls of food that you try feeding them, let them hold a plastic spoon in each hand to keep their hands occupied.

Be encouraging

When your toddler shows improvement in their table manners, compliment them. This is a form of encouragement and can reinforce their behaviour. However, refrain from overdoing it as they might misunderstand that they are the center of attention whenever you sit down for a meal.

One at a time

Don’t pile your toddler’s plate with food; it will only result in a mess due to either their playfulness or their newly developed and still weak pincer grasp. Place a few morsels of food on their plate and only refill when they have finished.

Don’t force them

At their age, toddlers get restless easily so it’s likely that they will want to leave the table before everyone else has finished eating. Forcing them to remain where they are will only make them loathe eating at the table. Instead, allow them to leave when they are done eating and play quietly nearby.

Lead by example

It may sound cliché but you really are your child’s role model. You are the person with whom your toddler spends the most time so it’s a given that they will emulate you in many ways – and this includes table manners. Therefore, you need to set a good example for them. By having meals together, your toddler is likely to pick up good table manners more effectively.

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References:

Baby Center. Available at www.babycenter.com

Better Health. Available at www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au

Eat Right. Available at www.eatright.org

Parenting. Available at www.parenting.com

She Knows. Available at www.sheknows.com

Today Parents. Available at www.today.com

University of California San Francisco. Available at www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org

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Tale of Two Daddies

Tale of Two Daddies

May 8, 2022   Return

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This November, HealthToday celebrates the very special men in our lives by raising a toast to all those fathers who go the extra mile to make sure that their children get the best TLC and guidance. We shine the spotlight on two such daddies: our very own first commercial astronaut Datuk Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor and popular actor Aaron Aziz.

Star Daddy

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Malaysia’s celebrated commercial astronaut shares how he is guiding his children to reach for the stars.

Good looking and well-spoken, Malaysia’s first commercial astronaut Datuk Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor seems to have it all: a wonderful family with two adorable children and a flourishing career. We can now add another job title to his impressive CV: loyal, loving and dedicated father.

Speaking at the recent Cita-cita with Wyeth Nutrition event at KidZania Kuala Lumpur, he told the emcee Hunny Madu with a laugh, “You may call me a Tiger Dad!”

Education is a big priority when it comes to his daughters, four-year old Sophea Isabella and two-year old Sophea Natasha. “I believe in pushing my children to the limit – to the maximum – because I myself have been pushed by my parents,” he said. His parents encouraged him to be his best, and look where he is today. Unsurprisingly, he wants the same for his daughters, and, as he informed Hunny, he often asks for pointers from his parents as well as in-laws.

Life on earth

The family’s day begins at about 7 am each morning. Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Mansor’s wife Dr Halina has to be at the hospital early, so it is up to him to get Isabella ready and send her to school.

“At 1 pm, I will pick Bella up and send her to the Al-Hidayah Islamic School,” he told Hunny. At 4 pm, she then attends Mandarin classes, followed by swimming classes, Math tuition and English classes.

“She gets a break at 9 pm,” he explained, “and from 9.30 to 10 pm, I’d teach her Science. She then has half-an-hour of playtime before going to bed at 10.30 pm.”

It might seem like a packed schedule, and Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Mansor admitted that even his wife harbors reservations at times about their daughter’s routine. He pointed out to Hunny that, contrary to what one may think at first, his daughter is actually very happy with their daily routine. “She is always looking forward to what they will learn or do in the next class, and Bella often expressed an eagerness for more,” he said with a laugh. “Sometimes, when she has fewer classes than usual, she would tell me, ‘Daddy, Daddy, I want more classes today!’”

Children are more resilient than we think, he believed, and as parents, we should not underestimate their ability to adapt and thrive in a challenging environment. “As long as my daughters enjoy what they do, I will push them to be at their best,” he concluded. “But the day when my daughters tell me that they do not like what they do, and they do not want to go to school anymore, that is when I will step back and make some changes.”

Aaron on Love & Family

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Aaron Aziz has a tender side that not many of us have seen before.

People see Aaron Aziz as a glamorous actor. “But I don’t see myself as that,” he says.

To him, acting is just what he does to earn a living for himself and his family. “If you see me with a group of other actors taking pictures, I’d rather be the one at the side,” he says.

Aaron comes from a small, close-knit family – just him, his siblings and his parents. But, it was a different story when he married his wife Diyana Halik who comes from a big family. When he asked her hand in marriage, he had to not only consult her parents but her many uncles and aunts as well! Somehow, Aaron won the poll with the majority of her family supporting him.

On a serious note, Aaron realised that his extended family is also important and started getting closer to his cousins after he got married. Aaron was brought up in a broken home. “My dad wasn’t around when I was young so most of the time it was just my mum and me.”

Born in Singapore, Aaron and his wife have settled down in Malaysia. They have three children, two girls, Dwi Ariana, 9, and Dahlia Arissa, 5, and a boy, Danish Anaqi, 11.

Aaron jumped from the food business into show business in 1999 in Singapore when he acted in a Mandarin drama called A War Diary. That’s where he met his wife because her uncle produced the series. The story was about Japanese occupation and he acted as a corporal.

After that, he began acting in movies and television series in Malaysia as well. You might recognise Aaron as Cikgu Malik in season 2 of Oh My English! series, which was aired on Astro TVIQ.

When asked how he is able to balance work and family, Aaron nods towards his wife and says, “She balances it up! She does the check and balance. That’s why she is my manager.”

A typical weekend in Aaron’s life is being at home and playing games with his children, listen to his eldest son tell him a story, play badminton with his elder daughter and draw with his youngest. After a long day at work, he prefers to spend some quiet time with his children.

“I wouldn’t want to change anything with my life because I wouldn’t end up having a wonderful family. That is my purpose in life,” Aaron says.

Aaron’s philosophy is to just live life to the fullest. “Be appreciative of what you have.”

Aaron and his family are participating in Dutch Lady’s 2-A-Day milk campaign, which encourages children and adults to drink two glasses of milk daily to get enough amounts of vitamin D for strong bones.

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