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Seeing Red? How to Understand Your Anger and Control It

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Anger is natural but when left unchecked, it can burn bridges, cloud judgement, and harm your health. Learning how to manage it doesn’t mean suppressing it; it means channeling it wisely. From practical techniques to healthier outlets, here’s how you can turn fiery emotion into fuel for growth.

WORDS FAITH FOO

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FAITH FOO
Director of Faith Foo Counseling
Director of The Bridge International Hub (Korean Counseling Centre)
Registered & Licensed Counsellor
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Anger is fuel. It produces energy.

We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break things, smash fist into wall, throw a fit.

It signals a potential threat to us or others.

It may also indicate a block to our goals, or an injustice. We are energised and motivated to stand up for ourselves and others, and to challenge, assert ourselves, or fight.

Functional and healthy anger occurs when an individual’s personal boundaries are violated.

However, we are thought to be nice, so we learned to stuff in our anger, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, or ignore it.

We do everything BUT listen to it.

Anger is a perfect example of something that’s both/and, not either/or.  It can be both an incredibly destructive, if we pay too much attention to its story, and also a healing and transformative force.

ANGER WITHIN THE NORMAL RANGE IS HEALTHY

Anger is our tool, not our master.

Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon.

When utilized properly, anger is our friend. Sure, it’s neither a nice friend nor a gentle one, but it can be a very, very loyal friend.

Anger is a voice, an appeal, a call meant to be listened to.

It will always tell you when you have been betrayed. It will tell you when you have betrayed yourself. It tells you that it is time to act in your own best interest.

Anger is a guide.

It shows us what our boundaries are. Where we want to go.

We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions needed to move where our anger points us to.

THE DANGERS OF VENTING, RANTING, AND OTHER EXPLOSIVE EXPRESSIONS OF ANGER

Anger is not something you have to ‘let out’ in an aggressive way to avoid blowing up.

In fact, outbursts and tirades only fuel the fire and reinforce your anger issue.

Such anger can potentially hurt everyone, including you, in its wake.

SUPRESSING YOUR ANGER CAN BE DAMAGING AS WELL

There’s also another direction anger can travel — instead of erupting outward, it can implode. That’s when you suppress, deny, or bury the anger inside, which can be equally if not more damaging.

When you suppressed your anger, you try to stop thinking about it and focus on something positive.

You may assume that what you’re doing is constructive, helpful to keeping the peace, but over the long term, your anger can turn inward — onto yourself.

This can lead to health issues such as hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a perpetually cynical and hostile personality.

People that are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

BE ASSERTIVE, NOT AGGRESSIVE

When it comes to healthy expression of anger, you should express your angry feelings in an assertive but not aggressive manner.

To do this, you must learn how to make clear what your needs are and how to meet them without hurting others.

Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

  • Be clear on your needs and how to meet them.
  • Be respectful of yourself and others while meeting your needs.
  • While you can’t control every situation, you can control your reaction to each situation.
  • When someone makes you angry, remember that you always have a choice on how to respond.
  • Before you react, take time to understand what your anger is trying to tell you. Why are you angry?
  • Communicate your anger without being physically or verbally abusive.

Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will get.

THINGS TO REFLECT UPON

Remember: you can’t get rid of, or avoid, people or situations that will enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions to them.

  • Respect doesn’t come from bullying others.
  • People may be afraid of you, but they won’t respect you if you can’t control yourself or handle opposing viewpoints.
  • People will be more willing to listen to you and accommodate your needs if you communicate in a respectful way.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO STRUGGLE ALONE

Learning to control anger can be a challenge at times.

Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, or hurts those around you.

You can consider going for counselling to learn how to handle your anger.

A psychologist or other licensed mental health professionals can work with you in developing a range of techniques to adjust your thinking and behaviour to better respond to your anger.

WHEN SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT HAS ANGER ISSUES

We are all responsible for our own actions, so ultimately it will be up to them to learn how to manage and express their anger appropriately.

However, there are still many things you can do to help support them.

Set Boundaries

  • Be clear in advance about the sort of behaviour is and isn’t acceptable to you and think about what action you can take if someone crosses the line.
  • You don’t have to put up with any behaviour that makes you feel unsafe or seriously affects your own wellbeing.

Stay Calm

Although you probably have many difficult feelings of your own, if you can stay calm it can help to stop everyone’s anger escalating.

Try to Listen to Them

  • If you can, allow them time to communicate feelings without judging them.
  • Often when someone feels that they are being listened to, they are more able to hear other people’s points of view as well.

Give Them Space

  • If you notice that continuing the conversation is making it worse, give them space to calm down and think.
  • It’s important to give yourself space as well, so that you don’t find yourself getting too angry.

Help Them Identify Their Triggers

This can help you both to think about how to avoid triggering situations.

Support Their Efforts to Seek Professional Help

Consult a counsellor or psychologist.

Look after Your Own Wellbeing

It can be difficult at times to support someone else, but you need to also ensure that your own personal needs are met.

This article is part of our series on mental wellness.

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