Love... or Something Else? Is Your Heart Lying to You?

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Sweaty palms, butterflies, sleepless nights, and spending all day thinking about that special person… these are the familiar symptoms of falling in love, right? Well, before you allow yourself to be lost in love, take a moment to consider that what you are feeling may be limerence instead.

WORDS HANNAH MAY-LEE WONG

On the surface, limerence is a lot like love.

However, limerence is akin to obsessive infatuation with someone.
It is usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person.

This is often confused with love, but limerence is not rooted in the strong emotional foundations that are needed to build a sustainable and lasting relationship.

Often one-sided in nature, it lacks the selflessness and meaningful connection between two people that is found in love.

COULD IT BE LIMERENCE?

You constantly crave affection from your partner
You ignore your partner’s flaws, including parts about them that may make them incompatible to you
You have an intense fear of rejection
You don’t communicate openly, and may push aside your own needs for your partner’s
You idealize your partner and think about them all day
You want to be with your partner all the time
Your partner’s feelings are not a priority to you
You feel only affection for and attraction to your partner

COULD THIS BE LOVE?

You give and receive affection
You are aware that nobody is perfect, and accept your partner’s flaws as part of who they are
You are at ease with your partner
You are open to your partner about your wants and needs.
You think about your partner when you want to
You enjoy a wide variety of activities, including those that do not include your partner
You care deeply about your partner’s feelings and well-being
You experience a mix of different emotions around your partner

LIMERENCE ISN’T NECESSARILY A GOOD FEELING

While there’s nothing wrong in enjoying the emotional highs that come with limerence, you are open yourself to setting up unrealistic expectations about the object of your affections.

When these expectations are unmet, you are likely to be heartbroken — especially if you had set aside your own needs for the other person’s wants and desires throughout the relationship.

LETTING GO OF THAT FEELING

Once you have identified that what you are feeling for your partner is limerence, use this awareness to slowly pull yourself away from your obsessive feelings.

Next, try to objectively assess what drew you into this state of limerence. Often, you’ll find that you were attracted to a fantasy instead of the actual person.

Take time to discover the person as they truly are, before you decide as to whether you wish to take your relationship any further.

AFTER THE FEELING HAS FADED

If you’ve decided not to pursue the relationship further, your feelings of limerence may still linger on for a while, and that’s normal.

What’s important is to not feed into those feelings the next time you are swept away.

Divert your attention to self-love and self-care. No matter intense your feelings may be for that person, give the two of you some space to think and examine your feelings for one another.

Eventually, limerence will fade. If the both of you feel truly and deeply in love, then it’s the start of a beautiful story.

This article is part of our series on optimizing our mental wellness and making the most out of our relationships.

Click here for more articles on stress and emotional management, mindfulness, psychiatric issues, and other matters related to the mind and soul.

References:

Cantarella, J. (2020, May 26). Limerence: Everything you need to know about it. The Mind Fool. https://themindfool.com/limerence/
Grainger, C. (2021, July 20). Limerence vs. love: what’s the difference? Brides. https://www.brides.com/limerence-vs-love-5193245

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