Connection, Not Control: Understanding the Little Things We Often Overlook in Parenting

Parenting isn’t about perfection, fancy toys, or endless schedules. It’s about time, love, and presence. Many parents give life’s necessities but miss what truly shapes a child’s emotional world. This article explores why slowing down, connecting, and loving intentionally may be the most powerful parenting tools you’ve been overlooking.

WORDS ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR DR NOR ‘IZZATI SAEDON

FEATURED EXPERT ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR DR NOR ‘IZZATI SAEDON Consultant Geriatrician UM Specialist Centre (UMSC)

Parenting is one of life’s greatest responsibilities, yet it comes without a manual. As parents, we learn as we go, through observation, trial and error, and sometimes painful mistakes.

Every child is unique, shaped by temperament, emotions, and countless unseen influences. Yet beneath all those differences lies a universal truth: every child needs two things above all — time and love.

TIME 

“Spend time with your children” sounds simple, but simplicity itself has become a luxury.

• Between work, household demands, and digital distractions, many parents are physically present but emotionally distant.
• Days turn into checklists: homework, meals, bedtime — leaving little space for real connection.

True time means emotional presence.

• Listening without judgment
• Playing without distraction
• Sharing silence without rush

Children measure love not by gifts or grand gestures, but by moments: bedtime stories, unhurried breakfasts, or laughter over small things.

As renowned physician Dr Gabor Maté wrote in his book Scattered Minds:

“Attention deficit is not a failure to pay attention, but a failure to connect.”

LOVE

“Love” is a word we all know, but few truly understand its meaning.

• Many grew up in homes where love was conditional, earned through achievements or “correct” behaviour.
• As adults, we may repeat these patterns, confusing control or correction with care.

In family expert Dr Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, he introduces the concept of love encompassing the following:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Acts of service
• Physical touch
• Gifts

Because each child feels loved in a different manner, expression of love is never a one-size-fits-all.

• A hug may comfort one child, while undivided attention or shared laughter may mean everything to another.
• Hence, to nurture our children truly, we must observe them, listen to them, and respond accordingly.
• Love that speaks a child’s emotional language doesn’t just nurture — it heals.

Our emotional availability teaches our children the meaning of safety, which is the foundation of trust, focus, and empathy.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO BUILD TIME AND LOVE

Tantrums and Refusal

Children feel deeply — anxiety, sadness, anger — but often lack words to express it.

Instead, their emotions manifest through behaviour, such as crying, silence, and defiance.

As Dr Maté notes:

 “Children don’t say, ‘I feel anxious’; they show it through restlessness, defiance, or silence.”

Hence, a tantrum or refusal is rarely mere disobedience; it signals emotional overload.

Learning from Parents

Children also learn emotional expression from us. When we hide our own sadness or anger, they learn to do the same. Over time, this cycle of emotional disconnection passes down silently, not genetically.

Psychiatrist Professor Dr Daniel Siegel writes in The Whole-Brain Child:

“When parents make sense of their own stories, their children thrive.”

Healing ourselves, therefore, allows our children to feel safe expressing their own emotions.

• Many parents struggle not from lack of love, but from never receiving enough of it themselves.
• This is because warmth, patience, and self-compassion are learned, not instinctive.
• When affection was scarce in childhood, giving it as adults can feel awkward or forced.

This awareness is the first step toward change.

• Parenting becomes not just raising children, but reparenting ourselves by learning what love truly means and extending it inward.
• When we heal, our children heal too.
• Our calm becomes their safety. Our patience becomes their confidence.

IN CONCLUSION

Children Don’t Need Perfect Parents — They Need Present Ones

• Children need parents that try, listen, apologize, and keep showing up.
• They don’t crave elaborate schedules or expensive toys.
• They crave eyes that see them, ears that truly listen, and arms that hold them unconditionally.

Time and love may sound simple, but they are profoundly powerful.

• They shape identity, build resilience, and teach empathy.
• Children who feel seen and heard learn that the world is safe — and that they are worthy of love.