Bullies Beware: What Smart Parents Teach Their Kids

Bullying is a distinctive pattern of harming or humiliating someone who is perceived as weaker, smaller or more vulnerable. It is often an imbalance of power coupled with aggression, where the weaker person is deliberately attacked on more than one occasion.

WORDS HANNAH MAY-LEE WONG

FEATURED EXPERT FARAH PUTRINEGARA AHMAD BAHROM Certified Senior Clinical Psychologist Director of WeCare Allied Health Center

According to clinical psychologist Farah Putrinegara Ahmad Bahrom, there are two modes of bullying: direct and indirect.

• Direct bullying is when a person is targeted, and the bullying happens only between the bully and the victim.
• Indirect bullying involves other people; for example, the bully might harm their victim’s reputation, spread rumours, or say something to damage relationships.

There are also different types of bullying:

• Physical bullying consists of harmful actions such as hitting, pushing, or damaging property.
• Verbal bullying includes cursing, throwing insults, or saying something hurtful (for example, calling someone ugly or fat).
• Relational bullying involves ruining someone’s reputation or spreading rumours that cause others to distance themselves. This type of bullying is often indirect.
• Cyberbullying is bullying using technology. There could be verbal aggression and relational aggression; for example, spreading rumours online. It could also be when the bully contacts the victim online and makes threats.

Victims of bullying are often people who are different from the rest. This could be in the form of having disabilities, looking different or even just being socially awkward.

“Children who are timid, have a quiet personality, who do not typically fight back, or those who rarely speak up in class also tend to be the target of bullying,” says Farah Putrinegara.

THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF BEING BULLIED

Constant fear, depression, anxiety, loneliness and low self-esteem are some of the psychological issues that, if not resolved, can carry on into adulthood.

In some cases, bullying changes how the victims react to situations and how they interact with other people.

• If a person accepts being bullied instead of standing up for thenselves, they may always choose to keep problems to themselves.
• This in turn may become the way they deal with other kinds of conflicts in the future.

Some children may be affected academically; even the brightest students can experience academic decline if they are distressed by bullying. It will take much effort to play catch up and this may affect their future academic opportunities.

HOW DO I KNOW IF MY CHILD IS BEING BULLIED?

As a parent, you’ll need to be more aware and observant to pick up subtle changes in your child. Here are some signs you should look out for:

• Your child has suspicious and unexplained injuries such as bruises, or their clothes are torn or ragged.
• Losing belongings such as books, stationery, electronics or other valuables.
• Avoiding school, sometimes making up excuses like having a stomach ache or headache.
• Change in eating habits – eating more than usual or having decreased appetite.
• Having nightmares, even becoming too afraid to sleep alone.
• Not wanting to mix with friends or other children they were once close to.
• Make passing remarks like “that girl said she does not like me” or “I don’t like that person” could be a clue that bullying is occurring.
• More seriously, a child might self-harm.

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying can be more difficult to detect.

Parents can look out for changes in a child’s use of electronic devices, such as:

• A child who likes to go online often suddenly avoids the internet and prefers doing other things like watching television instead.
• Hiding what they are doing online by covering the screen, minimizing the window, or closing the browser when someone walks into the room.
• Getting jumpy or nervous when they get a message, email, or social media notification.
• Deactivating or recreating social media accounts.
• Saying things like “Many people don’t like me in school!”

Don’t Ignore the Signs

If you spot these signs, don’t ignore them.

Investigate the cause and consider seeking help to solve the problem, such as speaking with your child’s teachers or someone from the school.

WHAT CAN I DO IF MY CHILD IS BEING BULLIED?

Show That You Care

• Firstly, show you care by asking if the child is alright.
• Use gentle words like “Are you okay?” or “What’s going on?”
• Avoid being too forceful and avoid accusing him or her of doing something wrong.

Include Your Child When Seeking a Solution

It may not be wise to immediately schedule a meeting with the bully’s parents to confront them.

• “It’s not a good idea to have a meeting with teachers, parents and the bully together with your child in the same room,” said Farah Putrinegara.
• “When the bully is present, your child might get scared or be too afraid to tell the truth. Ask the teacher for help but it’s also important to ask your child his or her opinion,” she adds.
• Instead of coming up with your own extensive list of solutions as a parent, you need to include your child in trouble-shooting phase so that the child feels empowered. “Meanwhile, you can still give suggestions and come up with ways to solve the problem together,” she says.

When Cyberbullying May Be Happening to Your Child

• Give your child a chance to express their thoughts before taking matters into your own hands by checking their phones or computers.
• Suggest to your child to tell the bully that “my parents are the administrators of my laptop and they can see what you are sending me” or “my parents check my phone sometimes and they know what you are doing”. If the bully is a child of similar age, chances are they would be scared that Aunty and Uncle might find out, and eventually they may stop bullying.
• If things do not improve, document the cyberbullying and keep records in case you decide to talk to teachers or school authorities. Then, call or meet with teachers to tell them what is going on.
• If your child’s school fails to stop the bullying or it escalates, you might need to involve law enforcement. In the meantime, remove your child from the situation by switching classes or even switching schools.

Counselling May Be Beneficial

• With regards to your child’s emotional wellbeing or mental state, you may want to consider seeking professional help.
• Sometimes, it’s easier for a child to talk to a third party instead of to you. Look for qualified counsellors or clinical psychologists who have experience in handling children and issues such as bullying.

WHY DO SOME CHILDREN BECOME BULLIES?

“Bullying is not something you are born with, it is something you learn,” states Farah Putrinegara.

• It is more common among neglected children, children of divorced parents or children who lack attention from their family.
• Some children whose parents are involved with drugs or alcohol cope by bullying other children.
• In other cases, children may be bullied at home by their siblings and they try to regain power by bullying their friends to feel better about themselves.

“Sometimes, children may be young and simply can’t tell right from wrong. They just follow what their friends are doing,” Farah explains.

Peer pressure may also be a factor. “Some kids might say things like If you don’t join me in doing so-and-so to that kid, then you’re not in our group.'” So peer pressure might be a factor.”

Another reason could be that some kids are just more assertive or impulsive and do not realize that their behaviour constitutes bullying.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD IS A BULLY

Talk to Your Child

• Bring up the subject by asking your child, “Someone told me you bullied this kid. Is that right?” Give them a chance to explain their side of the story before you proceed further.
• The next step would be to figure out why your child did it. For example, a child could have low self-esteem and feel better about themselves when they bully others.

Give Your Child Meaningful Consequences

• For example, if your child is engaged in cyberbullying, take away their computer privilege.
• It is important to explain to them why their actions were wrong. Try to get them to understand how the other person feels.
• After your child realizes their wrongdoings, you can teach them the ways to make things right again. Farah Putrinegara suggests getting your child to apologize by writing a letter or doing something nice to make it up to the other person.
• Monitor your child to see if the bullying happens again. It may be good to obtain a third person’s perspective, especially since emotions such as shame or embarrassment may cloud your judgment.

Get Help

• If you think you need help, speak with a counsellor or psychologist.
• Seeking professional help is highly advisable if a child’s aggression becomes unmanageable, for example, if they lash out physically or become out of control. The child may have other underlying issues that have yet to be discovered.

BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL

As with most issues, awareness and education are important.

As parents, we need to be good role models for our children because they will follow closely what we do.

“When times are tough and we’ve had a tiring day, we need to remember not to let it out on our kids because they will pick it up and start behaving as such to someone else,” Farah Putrinegara reminds us.

She adds: “Model good behaviour, teach them what it means to be a good person, and that our actions have consequences.”