Changes are an inevitable part of life. The paradox of wanting to change, but not wanting to abandon the familiar, is the main problem that many people are stuck with. To put it simply: “You may be anxious, but not anxious to change.”
WORDS FAITH FOO
 FEATURED EXPERTFAITH FOO Director of ABRI Integrated Mental Health Director of The Bridge International Hub (Korean Counseling Centre) Registered & Licensed Counsellor Certified EMDR Therapist Certified Coaching & Mentoring Professional HRD Corp-Certified Trainer Published Author Website | Facebook | YouTube |
CHANGES CAN BE FRIGHTENING
Why do people avoid and resist changes, when they know that these changes are absolutely necessary for their wellbeing?
This is because change invariably plunges us into something completely different from what we know.
Every change involves learning something new, and with that comes new adjustment and hard work.
Also, changes typically come with the act of replacing something familiar and comfortable with something new, and that can be scary!
When it comes to facing the uncertainties that come with changes, often all kinds of defense mechanisms kick in. Sometimes, we pretend the issue doesn’t exist, and we can get away with it for a short time. We like the feeling of blissfully ignorant.
Hence, it is common for some of us to avoid dealing with changes until we really have to.
CHANGES DON’T HAVE TO BE FRIGHTENING
As a professional counsellor and coach, I am in the business of facilitating change.
Hence, I know very well that changes need not necessarily be a negative — they can herald new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams.
Many of us have great ideas and wonderful dreams we hope to achieve in our lifetime. As much as we want to accomplish those dreams, sometimes they just don’t seem achievable for various reasons.
This inability to accomplish our dreams can leave us feeling defeated, that we are not living up to our potential. Consequently, we are left feeling wounded and defeated.
You May Be Afraid of Changes if You…
- Feel trapped, sometimes even doomed, in a situation, but you still avoid trying to get yourself out of that situation.
- Are trapped in an abusive relationship, but you can’t make yourself leave in spite of wanting to do so.
- Are unhappy in your current job, but you don’t make an attempt to carve that ideal career for yourself.
- Are unable to accept life changes both within or outside of your control.
- Refuse to stray from an everyday routine, because you’re uncertain of what will happen if you don’t stick to it.
- Experience heart palpitations when you think about changes to your lifestyle and routines.
THE KEY TO OVERCOMING OUR FEAR IS LOVE
Yes, love is the key.
We need to start loving and affirming ourselves, to reflect and talk to ourselves.
Tell ourselves:
“Hey, I know that you’re afraid. It’s okay that you’re afraid. Yes this feel uncomfortable. I know that you’re afraid and I want you to know that it is absolutely okay. We can do this together, me and you, WE GOT THIS.”
To overcome fear of changes, we need to first acknowledge that we are afraid.
Then, give ourselves the necessary assurance and affirmations that we deserve some TLC.
Stop yelling at ourselves. Also, stop labelling ourselves.
Rather, acknowledge that we’re afraid to change. When we realize that fear is not something that we cannot overcome, then it’d be easier to begin embrace the changes we need to do for ourselves.
BREAK THINGS UP INTO SMALLER PIECES
We don’t have to push ourselves to extremes.
Changes take time to happen and stick.
With patience, and most importantly, kindness and love to ourselves, we will learn to appreciate the efforts we have put into changing our lives.
For example, we have finally started to shape up, lose our extra kilos, and get our health back on track. Well, give ourselves a pat in the back and celebrate when we have started our weekly 20-min breeze walking routine!
HOW I OVERCOME MY FEAR OF CHANGES
It has been years since I wanted to do a podcast, but every time I think about it or try to take the first step to setting one up, it leaves me with dread.
The amount of work and the effort that it would require for me to get the necessary recording tools, to figure out how to use the editing software, and to put together everything that I would need to produce somewhat professional or quality work—all these seemed too overwhelming for me to even handle.
I spent tiresome hours trying to find a perfect topic, the perfect software, the perfect tools, the perfect recording background, the best dress to wear, the looks for the videos…
Because of my meticulous planning, I never ended up doing or starting any actual work to execute a podcast!
It finally dawned upon me one weekend as I was reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron: my want and need for perfection in everything were hindering me from starting or completing anything.
I wanted the perfect plan, to create the perfect product, and only when the plan is perfect, would I have the confidence to execute it.
I realized there and then that this obsession with wanting to create the perfect product overwhelmed me to the point of inactivity.
After reading the book, I decided to try implementing the lessons I gained from it into the execution of my plan.
Cameron emphasizes focusing on the process instead of the result, and I followed that recommendation to heart.
As I began my journey, I asked myself why I wanted to do this specific project. I realized that the podcast would be my platform to share my knowledge with an audience, to empower them with the knowledge and skills that I have acquired over the years.
With that epiphany, I stopped trying to perfect my plans and to create the perfect video. Professional videos look and feel professional simply because the person working on them has worked on refining their skills for years, implying that quality requires due diligence.
As a beginner, I just had to focus on what I could do and what I was bringing to the table. I had to be clear with my aim and purpose in setting up my podcast: to use my knowledge in the best possible way to help and reach more people.
Always remember, we are the product of our own choices, not a victim of our circumstance. Set your own narrative for the story of your life. Sometimes, the smallest decisions can end up changing your life forever. For example: starting to exercise 20 mins per week!
| This article is part of our series on mental wellness. |
