Category: Life

The Artistry of Doctors: These are Her Words

May 1, 2022 Return

On the day I meet Dr Sundari Ampikaipakan, a consultant respiratory physician, at her clinic at Pantai Hospital Kuala Lumpur, it is already quite late into the evening and I have been told beforehand that she has had quite a long day. None of the day’s ups and downs show on her cheerful demeanour, however, as she breezes into the clinic and gives me a bubbly greeting.

She has a good reason to feel on top of the world. Just a few days before, on May 28, she saw the launch of her poetry book I Forget to Breathe at the revived neighbourhood of The Row. An appropriate location, as Dr Sundari talked about, signed and sold copies of her first published effort surrounded by cafes, bars and the atmosphere of bohemian rhapsody. All for a good cause, too, as proceeds of the book would be used to fund the establishment of Dr Sundari’s other pride and joy: her non-profit advocacy and educational group, Asthma Malaysia.

I Forget to Breathe

Grow old with me

In slippers and robes

Hot chocolate for you and whiskey for me

Excerpt from Forever and a Day

I read I Forget to Breathe before I catch up with Dr Sundari. It is a slim book that can be easily fitted into one’s briefcase or handbag, which Dr Sundari points out with a laugh, is a deliberate choice of design. You can bring this book easily to anywhere you go, so that you can read a poem or two when you have some time for yourself.

Reading Dr Sundari’s poetry, I am struck by the range of emotions evoked by the words and phrases laid down on the pages. There is the breathless anticipation of a happily ever after, and there is melancholy associated with the uncertainties one faces in a relationship. Odes to romance gracefully transition to laments of regrets, before hope ignites and one looks forward to the future with head held high and a full heart. The book also contains illustrations by artist and illustrator Mr Yeoh Yi-Piao, to complement and enhance the poems.

I ask her whether the title of the book is related in any way to Asthma Malaysia. “I guess the title can be linked to the fact that I am a chest physician,” she says, “but breathing is an important part of life, and it is linked to so many emotions. When we are happy, we catch our breath, and when we grieve, we can’t breathe. And the poems are about the moments of life that take our breath away.”

All of which is clearly reflected in the book. “The poets that I love are Tagore, Yates, Browning, Shelley, Byron…” she tells me, and laughs when I point out that these are all very different poets with disparate styles. She is inspired by their expressive poems, regardless of genre.

“I’ve always found that poetry is a balm for the soul,” Dr Sundari tells me. It allows her to express her emotions, fears and hopes through the rhythm and arrangement of words. “Poetry is special in that, while you may have certain feelings that you pour into your work, the reader has her own interpretation of what she reads – and this interpretation may be completely different from yours.”

The response may even change with time, as life’s experiences can sometimes colour how one relates to a poem. “That’s the beauty of poetry,” she says.

Meeting readers and discovering their responses to her poetry is a significant part of the joy of being a poet, Dr Sundari tells me. Some of her patients as well as their family members – and a few random strangers now and then – have read I Forget to Breathe and, upon meeting her either at her clinic or the book launch, shared with her their thoughts. Not all of them are dedicated fans of poetry, and yet, they still reacted and responded. “There was this woman who, when she met me, told me, ‘You know life!’” she tells me. Those three simple words actually mean a lot to her, a poet who hopes to capture the nuances of life in her words.

Writing Love, Simply yet Complicatedly

Like lanterns of hope

It brings me to you once again

Across the oceans where I belong

Excerpt from Harbour Lights.

If Dr Sundari’s family name may seem familiar to you, that is because she is the sister of Umapagan Ampikaipakan, the BFM Radio DJ who unabashedly professes on air his democratic love for both literature and popular culture. A love for literature runs in the family, it seems, as Dr Sundari is also a lifelong lover of the written word.

“I could spend hours just browsing a bookstore,” she confesses. “I like picking up different genres, whether it is fiction or non-fiction, but poetry always has a special place in my heart.”

Her love for poetry began when she was a young girl about five. Her grandmother would read poems such as Robert Louis Stevenson’s My Shadow and William Wordsworth’s I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud with her. “I remembered going to the Wordsworth House and Garden when I was seven (I lived in the UK then) and buying a book of Wordsworth’s poems.”

Eventually she began to write her own poems, but that took a backseat during her medical school days.

The muse cannot be denied, however. “About a year ago, I just started penning down my thoughts and ideas – just in little phrases – and they just came together to become poems,” she shares. All it took for the words to flow was a memory, or a thought, or a conversation with someone.

It never occurred to her to publish her works, however, until she began working to found Asthma Malaysia.

Helping Malaysia Breathe

The morning is here

Shadowing the moon

Waiting to start anew

Excerpt from Morning

“It has always been my dream to educate Malaysians about asthma, particularly parents and sufferers of asthma, and why it is important to treat asthma properly,” says Dr Sundari.

Asthma is an important subject because in Malaysia, it is a leading cause of hospital admissions as well as loss of work and school hours. Without proper care, it can be dangerous, even fatal. It frustrates Dr Sundari that so many of these problems and even deaths could have been avoided if the patients had managed their asthma properly. Compliance is poor, there are many misconceptions that still persist, and there are even patients who have a poor understanding of how to use their inhalers properly.

Hence, Dr Sundari sees a need for a group such as Asthma Malaysia. She hopes to establish it as an important advocacy and education group, and in time, also a research and outreach group in close cooperation with organizations such as the Lung Foundation of Malaysia.

Dr Sundari has always received favourable feedback for her poetry, so she began contemplating the possibility of marrying her two passions – poetry and medicine – for a good cause. She sent her collection of poems to two close friends in UK and told them to give her their feedback. “I told them to be brutally honest and tell me if I would end up making a fool of myself in public!” she says with a laugh.

They told her to go for it, and she then picked out 36 poems to be published. She approached her childhood friend Yi-Piao to get the book illustrated. “I told him to just read the poems and draw what he felt would be appropriate with each one. No, I never told him what to draw!”

I Forget to Breathe is entirely self-published, and Dr Sundari has plans to make it available in digital format on Amazon and other online book vendors in the near future.

“This book may be best appreciated by adults,” she says, “but people of different ages may have different reactions to it. It will resonate with them differently. As an optimistic writer, I’d like to think that many will find this book containing a lot of hope!”

I Forget to Breathe is available for RM40. All proceeds will go to the development of Asthma Malaysia. To get your copy, please contact Asthma Malaysia at:

Facebook: fb.com/asthma.MY

Twitter: @asthmamalaysia

Email: asthma.mas@gmail.com

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Yoga-ta Love Robyn Lau!

May 1, 2022 Return

A lawyer by profession, Robyn Lau is now happily doing what she loves – teaching yoga – with her boyfriend Hansen Lee.

“I’m the youngest in my family. There’s just my brother, my mum and me. My dad passed away in 2005. We come from a very close family,” says Robyn.

According to Robyn, her parents are the traditional kind of parents who believe their children should go to university and graduate with a professional degree. After that, children can do whatever they want.

“So I went on to do law. I graduated as a lawyer in 2012 and worked as a legal assistant for a while. I hated it!” Robyn realized then that office jobs are not for her.

Then her mum suggested she try something different, maybe a trainer. So, Robyn joined a property company and became a trainer. She quite liked it because she got to meet many different people. Being a disciplined person, she stuck to the job for 2 years before quitting.

“I just didn’t like going to work and being stuck in traffic. It’s not something that I’m passionate about,” she says.

She went on some soul searching and was wondering what to do next when her mum encouraged her to look for something to build character. It then dawned on her that she should teach yoga.

The start of the journey

Robyn started doing yoga when she was 18. Her dad had just passed away so her mum was really lonely and refused to come out of the house. So, Robyn invited her mum to go for yoga classes together.

After the first yoga session, Robyn felt it was a really good workout. “I like anything that is challenging. So after the first class, I was exhilarated and loved it even though I went home aching all over!”

That settled things for Robyn. She started attending yoga classes every day; sometimes twice a day! She enjoyed the challenge and found it a great workout.

One of her teachers kept telling her that she was really flexible and could pick up yoga moves really quickly. She even asked her to consider teaching yoga. She was just 19 then so she said maybe.

Then came the fall

Robyn trained diligently and then had a bad accident at a retreat. “I sat on a hammock and the hammock snapped. I fell bottom first so I injured my lower back.”

She went for physiotherapy for about six months. She was on painkillers because of the constant pain. Yoga was put on hold. But she continued doing some stretching. It seemed to her that going for a teacher’s training course was just not something that can happen anymore.

Back to yoga

Thanks to a lot of rehabilitation work, Robyn gradually recovered. Although she still experienced back pains occasionally, they were not so bad. So, she started doing yoga again eventually.

It was only when she quit her job as a trainer did she realize that she had always been passionate about teaching yoga with her boyfriend Hansen. On Hansen, she says, “He’s a very spiritual man as well. He’s really inspired me to go on this journey inwards; sort of like self-discovery.”

Well, that self-discovery made her happier and lighter. She decided that teaching yoga will be sharing her passion and doing something she truly believes in.

“I feel like the best work that we can do is to feel like we’re not even going to work. So now when I teach classes, I feel like it’s playtime for me and my friends are coming to play with me. That’s just a really amazing feeling,” says Robyn.

To become a yoga teacher, Robyn first had to announce her decision to her family. Usually, her mum would make decisions for her or whatever decisions she made were influenced by her mum. This time around, it was different. Robyn told her family that she was going for a yoga teacher training course, paid for it and left!

She joined the 200-hour course in December 2015 at Koh Samui, Thailand. The teacher was none other than Anna Sugarman – her inspiration – who’s happy doing her own thing.

“The moment I met Anna I fell in love with her and decided she’s the one I want to learn from. And she’s a huge inspiration to me because that’s the kind of teacher I want to be.”

The course was quite vigorous because Robyn was training every day and all day. And she had to become vegetarian, which she was not used to. Eating clean is one thing but to give up meat was tough. But with an inspiring teacher like Anna, Robyn successfully completed the course and started teaching yoga.

Living the healthy life

Robyn’s day starts bright and early with meditation and yoga at about 7 am. She practises yoga every day and says it’s not the same as teaching yoga. After that it’s breakfast, which usually consists of two boiled eggs, yoghurt with fruits and lemon water.

“I put on weight really quickly so I tend to really watch what I eat – I cut down on my carbs and I can’t take caffeine because I get palpitations. I tend to eat clean because we like to prepare our food.”

Robyn even bakes her own bread. Her rationale is “When we make our own food, we decide what we put in our stomach.” But there are times when she and Hansen have to eat out. When that happens, they try to look for eateries serving healthy foods.

After breakfast, Robyn plans her day, catches up on social media, reads some news and heads off for her first class. After teaching, she spends some time mingling around in the studio or goes home for lunch.

If she’s not teaching in the afternoon, she rests for an hour after lunch and then goes to the gym. “Just doing yoga is not enough for me – it’s just a lot of stretching and body weight stuff. But I still need the gym to do some weight work and mobility work because I put on weight very fast.”

After an early dinner, she heads to her next class or two. And then it’s relax-at-home time when she winds down, reads or watches TV shows. She’s in bed by 11 pm.

Family time

Being in a close-knit family, Robyn makes it a point to go for the compulsory family dinner every week to meet and catch up with her mum and brother. She only skipped it for one month when she was away in Koh Samui.

She makes it a point to spend as much quality time as she can with her mum on Saturday mornings or at lunchtime on weekdays. This is totally different than when she was living with her mum, as she stayed in her room all day. Things changed when she and her brother moved out – they make an effort to communicate. They even have a family chat room and constantly update each other.

“Once a year, we take a family holiday. I come from a family of foodies as well so wherever there’s a new restaurant opening, we make it a point to just go and try it even if it takes 2 hours to get there.”

Looking back

“I would tell my younger self – do what really makes you feel happy.”

When she was younger she felt that it was the politically right decision to do what her parents wanted her to do. This went on to doing something “because of what my friends and peers will think of me.”

But she really wishes now that she had actually sat down and told her parents ‘I want to do something that makes me want to jump out of bed every morning and head straight to something that I don’t even want to call work and then get paid for it.’

Although she does not regret spending six years – 2 years doing A-levels and 4 years for law degree – to train as a lawyer, she feels like she wouldn’t regret it as well if she had made a quicker decision to not spend so much time studying for something that she was probably not interested in.

Moving on

Robyn has some interesting plans for the future. For starters, she and Hansen have started working on a website called Ohmosapiens. It’s a community for yogis, people with a passion in moving and people with spiritual practice.

“Currently, we’re working towards that because I see some followers who would like to follow us or interact with us when they see all of our workouts. So, hopefully we can bring that community closer together worldwide and eventually be able to inspire, motivate people to do the same, maybe journey inward.”

Gradually, they plan to come up with workshops. They are also teaming up to do a movement called The Yoga Thing. Not bad for a lawyer turned yoga teacher, eh?

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Let Creativity Heal the Wounded Soul

May 1, 2022 Return

Reena Clare Art Psychotherapist, The Mind Faculty

Vanitha Chandrasegaram Dramatherapist, The Mind Faculty

Mental healing through art

At the topmost storey of The Mind Faculty is a cozy, inviting art studio. Paintings and sketches grace the walls, and the table that dominates the studio bears a number of paintbrushes of all types, small pots of paint and a stack of canvas pads. It is a room that warmly welcomes the visitor – come, sit down and pour your heart and soul onto the paper, it seems to say.

This studio is art psychotherapist Reena Clare’s centre for healing. For Reena’s clients, the studio is their sanctuary from the problems plaguing their conscience – a safe space to confront their inner demons and, with Reena’s gentle guidance, find the mental fortitude to heal and move on from these issues.

Art therapy, like its name would imply, is a form of mental health therapy which involves the use of art media such as drawing, painting, photography, sculpting and more. The creation process, as well as the resulting artwork, serves as an outlet for the client to explore his or her feelings, reduce the sense of fear or anxiety and reconcile any emotional conflicts that are festering inside. Subsequently, the client can develop a better sense of self-awareness, and from that point, there may be an increase in self-awareness and a strengthening of the will to resolve or heal from the issues that are plaguing him or her.

Reena explains, “We have all kinds of art materials, and the client can choose what he or she would like to use. However, sometimes, depending on the direction of the sessions, the art therapist may offer a certain medium, such as paint or clay. For example, I may feel that the client needs to make a mess, in order to express his or her emotions better, and offer an appropriate medium that allows the client to do this. I may also move the furniture around if the client needs more space to move or even just to throw things around.”

The client may be moved to tear up the resulting artwork. That is perfectly fine, according to Reena, as such an act is a way for the client to confront and release his or her emotions.

Drama to heal the mind & soul

Just one floor below Reena’s art studio, in a comfortable alcove, is Vanitha Chandrasegaram’s sanctuary for her clients. Here, one can find a big bag of props: stuffed toys, hand puppets, action figures, colourful cards, fabrics of various colours and textures, hats, costumes, and more. These props are Vanitha’s tools of the trade, which her clients use as outlets to project their emotions and thoughts during trying times. They do this by creating a preferred alternative to their situation using their imagination.

Just as Reena specializes in art therapy, Vanitha’s area of speciality is dramatherapy. The structure and process of dramatherapy allow her clients to feel safe and comfortable enough to express themselves in creative and dramatic ways, even if they may have never done that before. Her clients are encouraged to use any of the colourful and interesting props to express themselves. Or, if the client does not know how to start, Vanitha will simply encourage him or her to tell a story. In addition to the use of props, the client can choose to act, sing, dance or perform any other dramatic activity that can help best express the client’s thoughts and feelings.

Therefore, while art therapy focuses on the expression of emotions and thoughts through art, dramatherapy does the same via physical and emotive actions.

However, it has much in common with art therapy in many ways. They both seek to heal and/or motivate the client, and those who benefit for these therapies are often one and the same. Therefore, when it comes to deciding which form of therapy is the most ‘right’ for a person, it all boils down to which form he or she is most comfortable with.

So, who benefits?

Simply put – anyone and everyone. “In conventional counselling,” says Vanitha, “the client will spill his or her thoughts using words to the counsellor. However, not everyone find it easy to express themselves; even the best-spoken person may find it difficult to voice out the problems that are heavy on the mind.”

Reena adds that art therapy and dramatherapy provide an outlet for those who have a hard time putting their thoughts into words. An additional benefit is that the client’s actions during therapy sessions may often reveal issues and problems that the client is not fully aware of. The trained counsellor can then gently guide the direction of future sessions to help the client confront these hidden issues.

Thus, art therapy and dramatherapy are two forms of therapy that are especially effective for children and teenagers.

While both forms of therapy are still relatively new in Malaysia, they are used by established medical practices in many countries to help people of all ages who are experiencing, have experienced or are living with:

Impairments due to issues related to physical development (eg, born mute or deaf) as well as medical conditions (eg, autism).
Trauma and/or abuse.
Chronic or terminal health conditions such as cancer.
Depression, dementia, and other forms of mental health conditions.

Both forms of therapy also help those seeking to resolve conflicts, improve their interpersonal skills, manage their addiction or other forms of destructive behaviour, and reduce their stress levels.

The magic of scars

Given how art therapy and dramatherapy have certain overlaps in term of purpose and benefits, it makes perfect sense for Reena and Vanitha to collaborate in an endeavour to reach out to teens. The endeavour, called The Magic of Scars, is a series of workshops-cum-therapy session held at The Mind Faculty.

“Most of the sessions will comprise both art therapy and dramatherapy, although a few of them may comprise one more than the other,” Reena says. “Participants are welcome to take part in these activities, and there will be no push to do well in any of these activities.”

“It is more important for the participants to come away learning a little bit more about themselves and their ability to tap into their inner strength and wisdom,” adds Vanitha. “And we hope this will help them become stronger and more confident.”

There are some advantages to a group session compared to one-on-one, although one-on-one naturally has its advantages too. When it comes to a group session, the counsellors can create a vibrant, fun environment that will help hesitant, shy participants open up and express themselves. Being in a group also allows these participants to realize that they are not alone in having a certain issue, and they can motivate and support one another. “The knowledge that they are not alone can be very empowering, as if there is a great weight lifted off their shoulders. This knowledge helps reduce or eliminate any sense of doubt, fear or shame that they may be harbouring,” explains Reena. “This will greatly facilitate the process of healing and moving on.”

Not to mention, art and drama are fun for many teens, and the sessions thus can be a great way for them to let their hair down, as opposed to a more formal therapy session.

But do the teens taking part in The Magic of Scars need to know how to draw or act? “No,” says Vanitha with a smile. “We will not judge anyone on their creative abilities. Everyone is encouraged to participate in all the activities of the sessions, but if there is any activity that they would choose not to participate in, we won’t force them.”

The Magic of Scars will be facilitated by both Reena and Vanitha, and there will only be a limited number of seats for each session to allow for better heart-to-heart interactions among all participants.

The Magic of Scars would be good for:

Teens who have suffered a traumatic incident in the past, such as being bullied, abused, etc.
Those who have recently experienced an upheaval that they have problems reconciling themselves to, such as the divorce of parents or bereavement in the family.
Teens with behavioural issues that leave their parents at wit’s end, such as quick and hot temper, the inability to socialize well with others, etc.

“Basically, if parents notice that their teens are behaving differently, and they are unable to resolve the matter, it may be worth a shot signing them up for The Magic of Scars,” says Vanitha gently.

“If we discover any issue faced by the participant that needs to be discussed with the parents, we will then contact them,” Reena adds, “to determine the next best course of action for all parties involved.”

If you are interested to know more about future The Magic of Scars sessions or even art therapy and dramatherapy in general, please call The Mind Faculty at 03-6203 0359.

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Bold & Beautiful

May 1, 2022 Return

Jim Valvano was only 47 years old when he passed away after a year-long battle against metastatic adenocarcinoma, a cancer so virulent that it had ravaged his hips, legs and back. The former North Carolina State University basketball coach may not have lived for very long but what he lacked in time, he definitely made up for it in impact. Twenty two years have passed since his death but still many remember and continue to be inspired by his courage, perseverance and ever-positive outlook on life.

Many people the world over can relate to Jim’s story. Debbie Wong is one of them. Like Jim, she has cancer. And like Jim, she is not one to back down in the face of adversity – even if said adversity sees her having to deal with the harsh side effects of cancer treatment. Asked about how she copes with the side effects, she says, “I take every day as it comes and accept whatever problems that come my way – be it body aches, sore fingers, diarrhoea, ulcers or surgical scars. I always remind myself to not allow these complications to affect my daily life. I strive to live my life as fully as I can.”

The calm before the storm

For Debbie, life before her breast cancer diagnosis was pretty normal. “Like many women, I juggled between work (as a financial advisor) and family life. It was about meeting deadlines, ferrying my son, Lucas around for his school and extra-curricular activities, cooking family dinners – you know, the hectic life of a typical working mum.” But as busy as her life already was, Debbie would always make time for exercise. “I love the outdoors so I’m always up for activities like traveling and cycling.” In fact, it was during one of her cycling trips when she had a fall – an incident which eventually led to her discovering that she had breast cancer.

“After the fall, I sustained a number of wounds and bruises so I had to constantly monitor them. One day when I was checking on my bruises, I found a lump in my left breast. Initially, I thought it was a haematoma (a form of blood clot).” But it wasn’t. “It was a tumour – and it was malignant.”

A mother’s courage

“I was disappointed and shocked by the diagnosis. Never in my life did I think this would happen to me, especially since my family had no previous record of cancer,” Debbie recounts. “For weeks, I cried because I couldn’t accept the fact. However, I’d always put up a brave front because I didn’t want my loved ones – particularly, Lucas – to worry. I told him about my diagnosis but he didn’t respond to the news well so I didn’t want to scare him any further.”

Gradually, Debbie came to terms with her diagnosis – Lucas being a huge deciding factor. “I want my son to accept the fact that I have cancer. But for him to do that, it struck me that I first needed to accept it myself.”

An uphill battle

As determined as Debbie was in facing her fears, she soon realized that her diagnosis was just the beginning of her obstacles. “I was started on chemotherapy soon after my diagnosis. Initially, things weren’t so bad. I tried focusing on my work and daily activities in order not to have to think about my treatment and its side effects. On some days, I’d experience body aches but I did my best to bear the pain.” However, the side effects soon took a turn for the worse.

“I began losing my hair after my third week of chemo. When my hair loss became increasingly severe, I was overwhelmed by depression. Each time I cleaned my bed, I’d break down in tears when I saw clumps of my own hair on the sheets. I then tried not touching my hair for a while with hopes that my hair would cease to fall,” she divulges. But her efforts were to no avail. “Two weeks later, I gave up and decided to shave all my hair off.” That turned out to be one of the best choices of her life.

Facing up to cancer

Looking back, the shave was a turning point of sorts for Debbie. “I felt much better after shaving my head. I began accepting the fact that I was a cancer patient. I also accepted that I was undergoing treatment and that it had affected – and would continue to affect – my body.”

“The first week after shaving my hair off, my friends and I went shopping for wigs, hats, caps and bandannas so I could cover up my baldness. I managed to buy a few bandannas and a nice hat but after wearing them for several weeks, I came to the decision not to cover my head unless I was cold.” When asked what brought about her decision, she says, “I prefer to go around bald than covering my head up. I choose to face the fact that I am bald. I don’t want to hide or shy away from myself and others. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore.”

Bold & beautiful

Debbie has come a long way from the woman she was before. Once depressed and unable to face her fears, she is now able to freely speak up about her condition – even to strangers. “I’ve started opening up to people. I tell them that I have breast cancer and that I’m bald. With that, actually came body confidence. I now feel good about how I look. I just tell myself not to mind what others think of me – even if they stare at me.” She also encourages fellow breast cancer patients not to give up. “Don’t hide your baldness or scars. You should be proud of all that you’ve gone through. Be confident and comfortable with how you look.”

Debbie has now resumed her daily activities despite still being on treatment. “I’m still undergoing chemo. Once I’m done with my six chemo sessions and if all goes well, I will take a one-month break before starting on radiotherapy. That should take up four to eight weeks, Mondays to Fridays. I hope to have these treatments done before Christmas this year. After radiotherapy, I will be started on medication for five to ten years depending on how my body reacts to the drugs,” she explains.

“There will be side effects for sure but I’m not going to sit at home and wait for them to appear. I’m going to be active every single day. I’ll continue to work and do sports. I won’t restrict myself from hanging out with my friends and family. I want to show Lucas that I am alright and I will recover from cancer. I want to battle cancer gracefully. Life goes on and I’ll not let cancer take over my life.”

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How to Love Your In-Laws

May 1, 2022 Return

“Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.” – Hubert H. Humphrey

When the parenting website Netmums polled 2,000 women, they found that one-in-four had a troubled relationship with her mother-in-law. Some put it bluntly, “I despise her!” Common complaints included the mother-in-law openly undermining her in front of the husband and children, often making her feel inadequate in the process. Some even reported that the stress of dealing with in-laws caused a strain in their marriages.

Of course, mothers-in-law are not the only source of frustration for many married couples. Fathers-in-law can often be a big source of exasperation and even resentment. It can be challenging to deal with them, as they are, after all, your partner’s parents!

HealthToday has compiled tips and advice from several psychologists to help you improve your relationship with your in-laws if they are giving you a big headache,

Taking control starts with you

If you feel that your in-laws are crossing the line, you should do something. According to therapist Susan Forward, ignoring problems just to keep the peace will only prolong your misery.

In-laws can be intimidating, she adds, because you do not know how they will react to your criticism. However, you do not have to be the one to confront them. Your partner, their child, is the best person to do this.

American therapist and TV celebrity Dr Phil McGraw agrees. “If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it’s the husband who needs to step in and help fix it,” he wrote on his website drphil.com. “Likewise, if a husband doesn’t see eye-to-eye with his in-laws, his wife needs to step in.”

Divided loyalties

Many people in a marriage may feel conflicted degrees of loyalty when their partner and parents do not get along. Dr Phil advises married people to place their own family as their main priority. “Their primary loyalty should be to their spouse,” he says. He encourages married couple to discuss, as early as possible, the roles they both expect the in-laws to play in the family. Once both parties are in agreement, boundaries can be drawn and both partners can see eye-to-eye when it comes to disagreements with the in-laws. Dr Phil stresses the importance of the couple sticking together and supporting one another’s decision (even if this decision goes against the wishes of the in-laws) – this is the best way to let meddling in-laws know that there are lines that they cannot cross.

This is not as easy as it seems on paper, but it can be done if each partner is sensitive to the other person’s relationship with the in-laws in question. Try not to force your partner to pick sides, instead understand and support his or her relationship with your in-laws, and work together with your partner to find ways to use this relationship to improve your ties with your in-laws.

Psychologist Dr Yvonne K Fulbright offers the following tips if you are gearing up to deal with your issues with the in-laws.

Evaluate the situation. Get your emotions under control first so that you can take another look at the situation and develop a management plan.
Try to understand your in-laws. If your in-laws are always critical of you, do they have a point? Are they right? Perhaps their advice comes from a place of love, even if they could have been more pleasant in delivering their advice to you.

Sometimes, the problem may not be about you – your in-laws may be using you as a scapegoat for any sense of disconnection they are getting from your partner. Parents sometimes have a hard time accepting that they are no longer the most important person in their child’s life, and they may resent you for ‘stealing’ their child from them. If this is the case, it is important that your partner has a heart-to-heart talk with them.

Examine your role in the situation. Yes, it may be tempting to believe that the in-laws are entirely in the wrong, but it often takes two to tango. Evaluate honestly your relationship with your in-laws. Are you a complete victim, or have you done your share of antagonizing them? The point of this evaluation is not to find people to blame, it is to determine whether there is anything you can do to improve your relationship with your in-laws. For instance, if you have been curt with them in the past, maybe you can try to rein in your emotions better. Small gestures would go a long way in improving your ties with them.

Living with difficult in-laws

If your difficult in-laws are a constant presence in your life, it can certainly be trying to your nerves and blood pressure. Dr Fulbright offers the following suggestions to help you get along with them better:

Do not force yourself to be someone else. It may seem like a good idea to try to be their ideal son- or daughter-in-law, but this will only make you feel more frustrated with your situation. For instance, if you are a career-oriented woman and your in-laws constantly insinuate that you should be staying at home to care for the kids ,it is better to try to get them to accept you for who you are, rather than to make big compromises that you will regret later.

Instead, be assertive. While it is good to be polite, there are times when being too polite will only let other people walk all over you. You need to establish boundaries. If they disagree with certain aspects of your parenting style, for example, you can tell them politely but firmly why you believe your style works. Show them the relevant articles written by professionals, to convince them that you are doing what you believe is right for your child.

Healthcare professionals can be your allies. Many doctors are very familiar with meddlesome in-laws (especially those with traditional beliefs that have no scientific merit) and they are more than happy to take your side against the in-laws in matters related to health and wellness. You can discuss a plan of action with a trusted doctor, and next, get the whole family to come with you the next time you visit the doctor. Casually bring up the matter that you and your in-laws are disagreeing about, and your doctor will then work his or her magic on your in-laws!

If all else fails, distance yourself. If your in-laws are particularly toxic, and all your efforts to mend fences with them fail, perhaps it is best for everyone if you limit your contact with them. This is something that you and your partner need to discuss, but perhaps a compromise can be achieved if you limit your own contact with them instead of getting your entire family to reduce ties with them. For example, you can excuse yourself from family meet-ups with the in-laws. While this situation is not ideal, it may be better than forcing yourself to continue an unpleasant relationship with your in-laws and affecting your relationship with your partner in the long run.

References:

Dr Phil. Available at www.drphil.com

Psychology Today. A

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Clean Air for a Healthy Home

May 1, 2022 Return

Air pollution has long been known to be a risk factor that can worsen the health of people with allergy, asthma and lung conditions such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). Children are also at risk – research has shown that air pollution is linked to a child’s smaller lung volume and breathing difficulties.

In January this year, a study published in The New England Journal of Medicine found that reduction in air pollution all year around – not just during the haze period! – can actually increase one’s life expectancy. By reducing the average level of fine particle pollutants (which are the most damaging kind out there) by 10 microgrammes per cubic metre of air, 7 months can be added to a person’s life expectancy![1]

Therefore, it makes perfect sense to ensure that we breathe in as much fresh, unpolluted air as possible. Just like charity and happiness, the pursuit of fresh air begins in our homes.

Install an air purifier. The newest models of air purifiers come with sophisticated technology, such as nano technology, which allows better purification of the air at home. Those with powerful suction are especially good for children that tend to play on the floor, as such air purifiers can remove fine-particle pollutants at low ground level.
Open the windows. Obviously, this cannot be done when the haze is bad outdoors. On normal days, however, opening the windows can improve ventilation inside your home. This releases vapours and fumes (some which can irritate the throat and lungs). On hot days, you can use an air conditioner instead, to filter and remove these vapours and fumes.
Get rid of dust mites and dander. Either clean mattresses and sheets often, or encase them in PVC-free impermeable covers to minimize dust mites. Keep your house free of clutter and vacuum often to remove dust and dander.
Buy “air-friendly” products. When buying products that can affect the air at home (such as aerosol and fragrances), choose those that are designed to have minimal impact on the air at home. For example, scent-free may be better, especially if there is someone at home with asthma or allergy. When it comes to getting rid of insects like mosquitoes, you can pick water-based aerosol insecticides, which are generally more environmental friendly, or opt for natural home-made remedies such as a mixture of water, garlic, onion and red pepper.

Reference:

Healthy Child, Healthy World. Available at www.healthchild.org

[1] http://www.healthychild.org/easy-steps/clean-up-indoor-air-pollution-for-kids-with-allergies-asthma/

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Laugh Out Loud!

May 1, 2022 Return

Lee-Jean Fung Certified Laughter Yoga Teacher, Laughter Yoga Malaysia

Lee-Jean Fung loves to laugh, which is obvious from the moment one sets eyes on her. Her wide, infectious smile can easily turn into laughter. Not surprisingly, she is a certified laughter yoga teacher with a mission to make the world a better place through the joys and benefits of laughter!

“Laughter yoga is a concept through which anyone can laugh even in the absence of stimuli such as jokes, humour or comedy,” explains Lee-Jean. “The concept brings together laughter exercises and yoga breathing, allowing more oxygen into the body while it enjoys the benefits of laughter.”

Laughter has many benefits, including:

Relaxes your whole body and reduces the level of stress hormones – you will feel less stressed and tensed.
Studies on middle-aged women indicate that laughter may help reduce the risk of depression, especially among older people.
Studies on cancer patients and survivors suggest that laughter may boost our immune system.
Possibly helps improve short-term memory, especially among older adults (both healthy and diabetic).

Everyone’s laughing these days!

Who wants to laugh? If Lee-Jean has her way, everyone deserves a laugh.

“Laughter yoga is the complete package for physical, mental, social and spiritual well-being,” says Lee-Jean. After all, it boosts fitness, reduces stress and improves our outlook on life. “And it’s practically free!” she adds. “You don’t need fancy equipment or memberships. Just gather some friends together and laugh!”

The popularity of laughter yoga has given rise to laughter clubs all over the world, including Malaysia. Lee-Jean’s very own Laughter Yoga Malaysia organises regular get-togethers for people who want to laugh their way to better health.

“Laughter clubs not only foster improved physical wellbeing, they also help us to develop a better balanced outlook in life. We will be more sensitive to our own emotions as well as those of other people. As a result, we will become less selfish and more giving,” Lee-Jean emphasizes.

Such clubs can also bring joy to the workplace, as they reduce stress levels, boost morale and improve employee fitness – all of which would only increase workplace productivity.

So, in addition to your usual routines to stay healthy and active, let’s take time to laugh.

To learn more about Laughter Yoga Malaysia, visit www.laughteryoga.com.my or their Facebook page (search for “Laughter Yoga Malaysia”).

References:

Bains GS, et al. (2015). Humors effect on short-term memory in healthy and diabetic older adults. Altern Ther Health Med. May;21(3):16-25.

Cha MY, et al. (2015). Effect and path analysis of laughter therapy on serotonin, depression and quality of life in middle-aged women. J Korean Acad Nurs. Apr;45(2):221-30. doi: 10.4040/jkan.2015.45.2.221.

Sakai Y, et al. (2013). A trial of improvement of immunity in cancer patients by laughter therapy. Jpn Hosp. Jul;(32):53-9.

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Friendship Across the Miles

May 1, 2022 Return

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder” and it truly does. Sometimes you really wish the people closest to you, the ones you trust the most, were right next to you. Friends can move away, due to work needs, education and other reasons, but this does not necessarily mean that the friendship must end.

Long-distance friendships can be a challenge to maintain, as, just like flowers in a garden, it can wilt if neglected. Here are some tips to help you nurture a friendship even if there is a long distance separating you and your friend.

Get social on social media. With the Internet connecting all of us regardless of where we are, friendship is always just a click away. With Facebook, Whatspp, Instagram, Skype and more, you can now talk, share pictures, commiserate and more with your friend from anywhere and any time. Don’t just chat, you can also share pictures and even videos!
Making calls. Social media may be wonderful, but nothing beats hearing the sound of your friend once in a while. So go ahead and make that call! (Just be mindful of time zone differences!)
Make time. Of course, all the means available on social media to keep in touch would go to waste if we do not make the effort to keep in touch. So, take time to text, call, or update your social media even when real life is hectic. (Hint: there is always the weekend!)
Don’t let things go quiet. Don’t be discouraged if your friends may not be quick or enthusiastic in replying to you. Sometimes they may be busy, and some people may not be a “natural” at social media, but they will appreciate your friendly overtures. So, leave the lines of communication open, don’t let it go quiet. Start a talk, whether it’s through a text or call, even if you feel like you are out of their loop. Holding back from initiating a conversation can only feed fears that a friendship may be lost.
Mark the calendar on important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries, so that you can send timely wishes and even gifts. This shows them their importance in your life and that you are thinking about them.
Look out for cheap airflights. Be sure to sign up for alerts on cheap air flights so that you can drop by and visit your friends when the opportunity arises. There is nothing like spending quality time with your friends to catch up and reminisce!

Reference:

Expat Info Desk. Available at www.expatinfodesk.com

Power to Change. Available at www.powertochange.com

Student World Online. Available at www.studentworldonline.com

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Life, Love & the Single Woman

May 1, 2022 Return

Charis Wong Marriage & Family Therapist, Kin & Kids Marriage, Family & Child Therapy Centre

You may have a well-paying job, in a position that demonstrates how capable you are in carrying out your responsibilities. Your clients love you, your boss adores you, and you pride yourself on your financial independence. And then, when you catch up with your family, the first thing they ask you is why you are still single.

Under pressure?

“There is always going to be pressure on women to get married,” says Charis Wong, “especially in Asian societies where we tend to live life ‘by the book’. We get our university degree, start a career, buy a car and house, settle down and have children…”

As a result, there would be a period of time when many of the people around you would get married and, later, have children. You do not even have to meet them face to face to become very aware of your state of being single, as Facebook and other social media are constant reminders!

“Even if you experience no pressure from friends and family members, you will be very aware that your peers are settling down and starting families. This might make you ask yourself what you are doing with your life and whether you are happy,” says Charis.

Do you know where you’re going to?

When it comes to making decisions about what you want to do with your life, says Charis, the most important thing is to know what you really want for yourself.

If you want to start a family and have not found that special someone yet, and you do not mind shifting a little focus off your career in order to do so, you may then want to explore new opportunities to meet your Mr Right.

“Most women are still quite passive when it comes to initiating relationships, so it may be time to be more actively involved,” adds Charis. She knows a friend who found her future husband by being more proactive and taking steps to be more sociable.

Some of the things you can do include becoming more involved in social activities in your neighbourhood or religious institution, asking friends to introduce you to eligible bachelors, or even signing up for a dating agency.

On the other hand, if you are content to wait a little longer, then by all means do so. “If you are conscious that this decision will make you happy, then it is most likely the right one,” says Charis.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you are making decisions that you are comfortable, without compromising your values and principles. Embrace new relationships, let go of bad ones, stay true to yourself and you will be fine.

Mr Right is late… as usual

If you are still unable to find Mr Right despite your best efforts, Charis suggests taking a look at your requirements for Mr Right. “For example, you may have previously searched for someone who makes more money than you, or who is of the same race or religion,” explains Charis. “Ask yourself, are these requirements important? Can you accept someone who cannot meet some of your requirements?”

If you answer yes, then you can consider expanding your horizons and look for your Mr Right in other places or through other people. With dating agencies and apps these days, there are always options!

If you believe that you can relax some of your requirements without compromising your standards or principals, then it is time to go back to the social world with a fresh outlook. Should you look back and think, hey, there is one guy you have dated in the past who may be the right person after all, by all means give him a call or text him. Who knows, the next few dinner dates could change both your lives!

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Here’s to Family & Briyani

May 1, 2022 Return

For Dr Yong Junina Fadzil, Hari Raya Aidilfitri is all about family. Celebration is low-key, involving her relatives coming over the morning of the first day of Raya. She would then visit her in-laws with her husband and children after lunch.

“We don’t see one another often because not all of us live in Klang Valley; some of us are in Penang,” she tells us. These days, we have Facebook and various mobile chat apps to close the distance, but Dr Yong points out that nothing beats personal interaction. Furthermore, the older family members are not as “wired” as the younger generation, so there is always plenty to catch up on when everyone gets together.

“I see some of the uncles and aunties only once a year, and this is the time for us to get together, eat together,” she muses. She continues to say that family get-togethers are also a good way to be a part of the lives of those cousins, nephews and nieces who grow up ever so quickly. “Before we know it, they will be starting families of their own, and I’ll be thinking, ‘wow, time flies’,” she adds.

Family moments together are precious because we will experience those beautiful little moments in ways that cannot be replicated through the technology of modern communication.

To Dr Yong, every second with the family is especially precious because she used to be an “on-call mum” during Hari Raya. Before she started her own private practice, she would be on-call on the night before Raya. Since she was living with her in-laws at that time, they would care for her children while she made her rounds in the hospital. She would rejoin her family only on the first Raya morning.

When her children got older, their clothes need to be sorted out before Raya – among many, many other things that only a mother could get right! So, she would go on-call on the second or third day of Raya instead.

“Now, I can take the entire week off!” Dr Yong says with a laugh.

Well, not quite. In addition to having her own clinic, Dr Yong is currently affiliated with UKM Medical Centre (UKMMC). As one of the two paediatric cardiologists at UKMMC, she is on-call throughout the week when the full-time cardiologist balik kampung to her hometown in Penang. “But I don’t have to go in unless it’s necessary,” she says.

These days, she has plenty of time to whip up her specialities for her family and guests. On the first day, she would prepare nasi briyani or nasi tomato to go along with a variety of mouth-watering dishes, while on the second day, she would serve laksa at her annual “open house” for family members who could not drop by on the first day as well as for close friends. There is plenty of good food for great company!

While Dr Yong has some flexibility in her current schedule for some family time, her daughter has recently started her own housemanship in Melaka. If her daughter cannot take time off to join the family this year, Dr Yong’s family would visit her in Melaka later in the week. The time and location do not matter; what important is that the family can be together and the bonds remain strong and true.

Dr Yong’s Tips for Family Get-Togethers for Busy People

As someone who is used to being constantly busy, even during festive seasons, Dr Yong has a tip or two to share with everyone.

Outsource! Naturally, you cannot do everything in such a limited time, so set aside one or two dishes that you can prepare on your own time and have everything else ordered or catered. Dr Yong does not believe in mass-prepared cookies, kuih or lauk, though. She prefers to order most of her Raya delicacies from friends and colleagues.

Don’t get too attached to your mobile. Times with the family are precious, so let’s not squander those times answering messages or posting on Facebook. If you are constantly sidetracked by your mobile phone, Dr Yong recommends placing your mobile phone in your handbag and leaving the handbag somewhere safe before you mingle. That way, you can converse and enjoy your time with others without further distractions.

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