Category: Behaviour

Many of us remember how strict our parents were back when we were young, and it was not uncommon for many of us to be at the receiving end of a smack or a whack of the rotan. However, these days, what worked for our parents might not work for us when it comes to our children.

So said Zaid Mohamad, a well-known parental coach and author, during the recent Cita-cita with Wyeth Nutrition event at KidZania Kuala Lumpur. While presenting his talk Role Model: From Nagging to Coaching, he pointed out advances in technology have changed the way our children perceive the people around them (their parents included).

What our children need

Parents who are present.

Children like approachable parents, according to Zaid. They feel comforted knowing that their parents would be there for them when they need love, advice or simply a listening ear. Thanks to modern communication technology, we do not have to be always physically there for our children – we can always be close to our children through WhatsApp and such even if we have to be at work.

Parents who support.

“Remember how we used to tune out when our parents nag?” asked Zaid. “Well, our children would do the same when we begin nagging!” Children of all ages dislike being talked down to, they prefer to be engaged by their parents.

To be such parents, we need to be good in communicating with our children, as well as in motivating them.

Little changes for greater impact

Changing our parenting style to achieve this does not require large overhauls – all we need are small simple changes that would make a big positive difference to our children.

Focus on actions, not the person.

By focusing on a child rather than his or her actions, we tend to pigeonhole the child into labels – “the naughty one”, “the rude one”, and such. Such action has a tendency to steer us into negative thinking. Instead, Zaid recommended focusing on what the child has done, and react to that.

Be clear and specific in your feedback.

If you are not happy with your child for a reason, Zaid said that you should make sure that your child knows why his behaviour is unacceptable.

To illustrate the above two points, let’s imagine that your child is making a loud racket during his bedtime. Instead of focusing on him and calling him a naughty child, point out that his action is causing everyone else to be unable to sleep. Point out that everyone else would be very tired due to inadequate sleep, Mom and Dad would be late to work, and such. This way, your child will understand why his action is not acceptable.

Use positive language.

Do not be that parent who only offers criticism and nothing else, as too much negativity can desensitise a child to what you are telling him. On the other hand, parents who praise as well as criticise can hold their children’s attention better, motivating them to improve on their behaviour.

Of course, sometimes it can be hard for us to stay sunny and upbeat in front of our children. Our mood may be darkened by incidents at the workplace, exhaustion, stress and even the traffic jams we have to endure on our way back home.

Zaid’s personal solution to this dilemma is that he would not enter his house until he has destressed. If he has had a bad day, he would stop by his favourite mamak shop to chill. After a cup of teh tarik – two, if necessary – he would chat with the owner and playfully ask the owner whether he looked cheerful or fearsome. Once he knows that he can put a smile on his face, only then he would resume his journey home.

“Don’t enter the house with a scowl or a bad temper. Like the late American poet Maya Angelou said, people would not remember what you said or do, but they would always remember how you make them feel,” said Zaid. “Your children miss you and want to spend time with you when you come home from work, so make every moment you have with them a special one.”

For more information on Zaid’s smart parenting courses and books, visit www.smartparents.com.my.

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“Mommy, don’t let them catch me! They are coming to take me away!” screams the little boy as he jumps off his bed from his sleep, trembling in fear, dashing left and right in total confusion. His mother comforts him but he continues his loud screams, hyperventilating as he fixes his gaze on a corner of his room as if someone was waiting there to get him.

Does that sound like something out of a horror story? Except it’s not. That episode was one of the many experienced by a mother who had to deal with her 6-year-old son’s night terrors for 2 whole months.

Claire (not her real name), a mother of 3 children, had no idea how to deal with her youngest son’s sudden change in nocturnal behaviour, something she never encountered with her older children.

It all started 3 days after Joshua underwent ear surgery. She assumed that her son was just having a nightmare, but as nights went by, the magnitude of his night terrors became more dramatic. She even began to fear for her son’s safety, as he would nod off and then freak out at public places, making her worry that he would injure himself or other people.

She also discovered that Joshua had absolutely no recollection of his acts, until she showed him a video recording of him experiencing his nightmares.

Her elders insisted that Joshua might be possessed, and Claire should seek traditional healers to help her son. Claire, however, refused to entertain the possibility and went online in an attempt at finding the answer to her son’s problem. Her search led her to a condition with which she wasn’t familiar in all her 13 years as a mother: night terrors.

Claire spoke to many mothers in her community, even brought it to social media but no one in her circle could relate to it. However, there were many outside of Malaysia who discussed night terrors in parenting forums. Their experiences seemed to be related closely to Joshua’s condition and this realisation comforted her, letting her know that she wasn’t the only mother facing this problem.

“I did everything I could to get him to come out of this – I stopped him from playing on his devices, even forbade my older kids from playing on theirs around him,” says Claire. She explains that the last move was because Joshua occasionally screamed out that he was being attacked by characters in his video games during his night terror episodes. “I consulted the surgeon who did his ear operation, as I had read of some children developing night terrors after an ENT surgery, probably due to the anaesthetic. But, his surgeon had not heard of any such cases.”

She continues to tell us, “I eventually obeyed my elders – prayed and blessed him with sacred oils and water, but nothing brought it to stop until one night when he slept through peacefully.”

Startled by the unexpected development, Claire began evaluating the events that could have led to it. “Since the start of Joshua’s night terrors, I had gone back to sleeping with him, to protect him from injuring himself from his episodes. I recalled what I had done differently that day and realised he took an afternoon nap.”

It seemed so simple a solution that it was almost unbelievable, but to Claire’s joy, it worked. “Ever since then, I had made a point to making him sleep in the afternoon, no matter how busy my schedule is, and things have been under control since then!”

What could have made this difference? “Experts have said that exhaustion can trigger night terrors. I never realised until then that my son was lacking sleep. Now, even he reminds me to take him to bed in the afternoon because he does not want to have us endure another night of his terror! This is a wake-up call I guess. I was so habituated in our daily routine, waking up at 6 and rushing the kids to school and work that I did not realise I had neglected my preschooler’s crucial need – SLEEP!”

For more insights on night terrors and its differences from nightmares, visit The University of Chicago’s Pediatrics Clerkship website at this link:  https://pedclerk.bsd.uchicago.edu/page/night-terrors-and-nightmares or Mayo Clinic at www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/night-terrors/basics/definition/con-20032552

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When news of an 8 year-old boy in Klang who chose to snip his own tongue instead of taking a punch to his face from five bullies in his school spread all over the local media back in March this year, the public was outraged. While this boy is fortunate to still have his tongue (despite the trauma he will probably grow up with, thanks to bullying), what are be the thoughts and fate of the five bullies and their families? Many wanted to see those boys punished for their bad behaviour, but what made them behave that way in the first place? How does a bully become a bully and what if that bully was your child?  

Types of bullying

Bullying is defined as unwanted, hurtful, humiliating, and aggressive behaviour that occurs repeatedly in a relationship with an imbalance of power and strength. There are four types of bullying – verbal, physical, relational and cyber-bullying, each varying from mild to extreme.

What makes a bully?

Bullies are made, not born – that is something parents need to remember.

According to Tom Thelen, America’s top anti-bullying and motivational speaker, bullying is ultimately about power, the need to feel powerful and intimidating over another person (the victim). Research has found that a child tends to emulate the actions of the people they see around them. Their environment determines their behaviour, the way they manage crisis and their outlook on life.

Some of the environmental factors are:

• Family values (eg, home with domestic violence, fractured or broken home, neglectful parents, parents or siblings who behave like bullies themselves).
• Socio-economic status (eg, poverty which could lead to resentment and envy of those who are more privileged than the child).
• Friends and associations in and out of school and in the neighbourhood (eg, living in a violent crime-infested neighbourhood or wishing to emulate a bully who is perceived by the child as ‘cool’).
• Online interactions with other netizens (eg, hanging out with communities that encourage aggressive behaviour).

That is not to say that children in such environments are inevitably going to become bullies. It is found that parents who instill a strong moral and ethical foundation in these children would help these children become well-adjusted people who could tell apart good from bad behaviour. Hence, parental TLC and guidance are essential in helping children rise over circumstances such as poverty and broken homes.

Signs of a bully

Bullies do not fit into a neat little box, but there are some traits that we can recognize to identify a bully..

When a bully lashes out, it is a cry for help, according to  psychology research. Bullies bully because they want something – be it emotional gratification or a material reward. Bullying has a distinctive pattern; if your child enjoys saying nasty things about others, making others feel bad about themselves, taking pleasure in teasing others, pushing and shoving others, threatening or possessing  money or toys that do not belong to them, you shouldn’t turn a blind eye – these could be tell-tale signs that need to be addressed. .

Then there is another targeted behaviour problem known as ‘The Jekyll and Hyde Child’. These children are capable of alternating between being a complete tyrant and a complete angel depending on the situation and their needs. Their charming ‘angelic side’ can fool parents, teachers and practically anyone, even causing them to believe that these children’s victims are lying.

When someone tells you your child is a bully.

If you get a call from the schoolteacher saying your son has bullied another kid, or if a parent comes knocking at your door with a complaint about something your child did to theirs, the first thing you need to do is to take the news calmly and do not at any point become defensive. You need to evaluate the situation by listening to both sides of the story, theirs and your child’s, and if required, pull in a neutral party to give an unbiased opinion about the situation. You need to understand what took place without letting emotions set in to see if it was a case of bullying or a mere misunderstanding, especially if you have never seen any signs in your child before.

There’s another important factor to also consider:is your child bullying because he’s a bully, or because he is standing up for himself against a bully. Or, does your child have any disability (eg autism) that might be getting in the way of his social behaviour?

Dealing with the bully under your roof

If it is confirmed that your child has behaviour problems (not due to a disability), it needs to be addressed and stopped once and for all.

1. Talk to your child. Let them know you respect them enough to hear them out and want to work with them to put an end to this. They need to believe they can trust you to let you in on their issues. At all times, do not be judgemental, do not compare and condemn your child. Instead, be firm and tell them that what they did was wrong, and thus they have made you unhappy. They need to know that there are higher authorities that would take drastic actions against them if this were to go on. Their behaviour would not just embarrass the family – it would affect and even damage their future.
2. Be close to your child’s teachers and foster a good relationship with them. Therefore your child’s behavioural problems can be monitored and managed constantly and more closely.
3. Get professional help. Seeking help from a family member or a counsellor at school school can help discover the deep-seeded cause of this ectopic behaviour in your child.
4. Change your parenting style, especially if the problem is you. If you are neglecting your child’s need for attention, increase positive attention so that they do not have to go on bullying others for it.
5. Discipline your child as soon as you notice signs of bullying immerging in them. Tell them that there would be consequences to face if they crossed the line. Putting anything on hold might make them think you can be manipulated and controlled as well.
6. Teach your child how to respect and support their friends. Teach them empathy and how to get along socially with others. Include playtime or social time in their daily schedule if they are still young.
7. Screen your child’s circle of friends. They spend a lot of time with their peers and the wrong ones can be detrimental.
8. Help them to build their self-esteem. Get them involved in various activities such as sports, art, music, drama or robotics as this will build their confidence and make them feel less inferior.
9. Improve your family bond by eliminating any form of abuse or violence that may be occurring in front of your child. Be a role model to them and keep their home as stable as possible since they could be lashing out at others due to fear, anger or depression caused by home events.
10.  Provide positive feedback. When your child succeeds at handling a conflict well and shows compassion and empathy for others, praise them and recognize their efforts. Positive reinforcement can help improve their behaviour more effectively than punishment.
11.  Pay close attention to their online activities. There are many psychologically insidious games online (eg violent ones) that could be influencing your child to be a bully.

Changing your child’s ways may take some time and a lot of effort, but do not give up. Use positive reinforcement to tap into their consciousness and soon you will see your child turn over a new leaf.

References:

Empowering Parents. Available at www.empoweringparents.com

NoBullying.com. Available at www.nobullying.com

Parents. Available at www.parents.com

Psychology Today. Available at www.psychologytoday.com

Raising Children. Available at www.raisingchildren.net.au

The Ravive. Available at www.theravive.com

The Star. Available at www.thestar.com.my

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When was the last time you ate out with your toddler? If you answer with a ‘never’, you aren’t the only one. For many new parents, eating out with their young child is a foreign and impossible notion. Why eat out when mealtimes with a toddler at home are already stressful enough, right?

Mind their P’s & Q’s

If you are a new parent, trying to coax your toddler into finishing their vegetables (and failing miserably), picking bits of spaghetti off the dining room walls, removing crumbs from their hair and wiping mashed peas off the carpet are all part and parcel of your mealtime experience. But as nightmarish as they may be, these mealtime misadventures can be tackled by introducing your tot to proper table manners.

The thing is you know exactly what your child should and shouldn’t be doing at the dining table (no chewing with their mouth open, always say ‘thank you’, ‘please’ and ‘excuse me’, no elbows on the table, etc) but teaching them is the problem!

Now, instilling good table manners in your toddler may seem an incredible feat but rest assured, it can be done. Be patient with them – after all, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Here are some suggestions which you can start off with:

It’s never too early

You can already begin teaching your child basic table manners when they are capable of eating independently in a high chair or old enough to sit at the dining table. Examples include teaching them to wipe their mouths after eating and saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. As they grow, you can then introduce them to more complex dining skills.

Make it pleasant

Don’t reprimand your toddler harshly when they misbehave at the table. This will only cause them to hate mealtimes. Instead, gently explain why it’s important for them to practise good table manners. If your toddler tends to forget easily, use gentle reminders to reinforce what you had taught them.

No electronics!

It can be tempting to keep your toddler occupied at the table with an iPad but this won’t improve your child’s table manners. In fact, this can do them more harm than good. Overexposure to electronics can cause impaired learning and delayed language skills. Experts say that kids thrive when they are read to and talked to. Mealtimes are perfect for your child to have some one-on-one time with you so don’t let these opportunities go to waste.

Should you really have to distract them, use cutlery instead. If your toddler has a habit of swiping at the spoonfuls of food that you try feeding them, let them hold a plastic spoon in each hand to keep their hands occupied.

Be encouraging

When your toddler shows improvement in their table manners, compliment them. This is a form of encouragement and can reinforce their behaviour. However, refrain from overdoing it as they might misunderstand that they are the center of attention whenever you sit down for a meal.

One at a time

Don’t pile your toddler’s plate with food; it will only result in a mess due to either their playfulness or their newly developed and still weak pincer grasp. Place a few morsels of food on their plate and only refill when they have finished.

Don’t force them

At their age, toddlers get restless easily so it’s likely that they will want to leave the table before everyone else has finished eating. Forcing them to remain where they are will only make them loathe eating at the table. Instead, allow them to leave when they are done eating and play quietly nearby.

Lead by example

It may sound cliché but you really are your child’s role model. You are the person with whom your toddler spends the most time so it’s a given that they will emulate you in many ways – and this includes table manners. Therefore, you need to set a good example for them. By having meals together, your toddler is likely to pick up good table manners more effectively.

References:

Baby Center. Available at www.babycenter.com

Better Health. Available at www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au

Eat Right. Available at www.eatright.org

Parenting. Available at www.parenting.com

She Knows. Available at www.sheknows.com

Today Parents. Available at www.today.com

University of California San Francisco. Available at www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org

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It is 10:00 pm, and your toddler insists on playing horse with her father. When the two of you finally convince the bundle of energy to go to bed, you can only groan when you feel a tug on your sheets, what seems like seconds after you have closed your eyes. You look through bleary eyes at the clock – 1.00 am – and try not to groan as your little darling tells you, “Mummy, pee-pee!!”

If you are like many parents, you may believe that you can finally get some reprieve from those late nights of night feeding and comforting your crying baby once your child enters her toddler years. However, you soon realise that you have just moved on to another phase of Parenthood: the Sleepless Years.

There are many possible reasons why your toddler does not seem to have an “off” button. Some toddlers give their parents a hard time during bedtime due to separation anxiety (as their parents often leave them alone for a while to complete their chores), while others may just be that way naturally, taking a while before they fall asleep. Some adults take a while to fall asleep while others drift off to dreamland the moment their heads hit the pillow – toddlers are like that too.

Fortunately, there are some things you can do to establish a routine with your toddler, so that she would go to sleep at a reasonable hour and let you go to work the next morning without looking like a cranky zombie.

Wind your toddler down before bedtime.

Your toddler will be less likely to fall asleep when it is bedtime if she is an excited bundle of energy. Therefore, a few hours before bedtime, slow things down around the house. Keep a calm and quiet environment, make her put away her toys and switch off the TV or iPad ahead of bedtime, dim the lights a little and let her enjoy some low-key activities such as story time. As your toddler’s energy level slowly ebbs as bedtime draws near, you would have an easier time getting her to fall asleep.

Establish the “3B” routine.

3B stands for bath, book and bed. Each day, leading up to your toddler’s bedtime, establish a fun routine comprising bathtime, a bedtime story and then, tucking your toddler in, pulling the covers over her. You can also try singing your toddler to sleep if you need a break from reading her favourite story for so many times.

It may be a challenge to get your toddler to stick to this routine, so use the creativity and even, sneakiness that every parent instinctively has. For example, you can offer rewards such as an extra story if your toddler follows the routine without much fuss.

Initially, your toddler may call you to come back to read her another story or just to be with her a little longer. Break this habit gently by telling her that you need to be away for a while so she needs to stay in her bed, and you will check on her 5 minutes later. If she keeps calling you to come back, wait a longer time each time before you check up on her again. Once your toddler realizes that you are never far away, she will feel safe enough to fall asleep on her own.  

Your toddler will also come up with other tactics to delay being sent to bed. Something will always need to be done right away, or a toy will be missing and you need to help her find it. You can anticipate these requests in advance and incorporate them into the daily pre-bedtime routine. For instance, placing your toddler’s favourite water bottle next to her bed will stop those repeated requests for water. You can also allow her one request before you leave her to sleep. This way, she will feel that she is getting her way and will be more inclined to go to sleep. 

Let the toddler make some choices.

Toddlers love to feel important and that they are getting their way, so play to your toddler’s inner diva by offering her some choices in certain matters, such as her choice of pajamas and the story she wants you to read to her. The trick here is to offer only 2 options, options that would make you happy regardless of whichever your toddler chooses. Yes, this seems sneaky, but parents are allowed to be sneaky when it comes to their children.

Be firm, hold your ground.

Like everything else in parenting, you have to be resolute and stick to your decisions despite the tears, pitiful begging, wailing and blubber your toddler throws your way. It may be tempting to give in just that once and let your toddler watch the iPad a little longer, but every time you cave in, your toddler becomes more confident of her power over you and subsequent bedtimes will continue to be power struggles.

However, try to be patient as well, as losing your temper will only make the situation worse. 

Have a comfortable bedroom.

Toddlers, like most adults, sleep best in dark and well-ventilated bedrooms. Make sure that your toddler sleeps on a comfortable mattress, and if she tends to kick off the sheets while she sleeps, let her wear some socks should she get cold at night. Also, make sure that sounds of the TV or other distractions cannot be easily heard from the bedroom. This will allow your toddler to continue sleeping while you sneak out to catch up on your favourite TV shows.

If your toddler is scared of the dark, try comforting her by telling her that you are close and she is safe. You can also leave a small light on to assure her. If she manages to sleep well, praise her for her courage. Avoid belittling or mocking her fears, as this will only intensify her anxiety. In the meantime, try to find out possible reasons for her fear. She may be watching things that she finds frightening on the TV or iPad.

Who’s afraid of bedtime?

Some toddlers are afraid of the dark, sleeping alone or whatever they imagine is hiding under the bed – or sometimes all 3 at once. This is because, at their age, toddlers have yet to learn how to differentiate between what is real and what is not.

Eventually they will outgrow such fears, but there is a possibility that such fear can cause lingering psychological damage if handled poorly by the parents.

If your toddler repeatedly brings up her fears during bedtime, try the following:

• Be supportive. Even if the idea of a giant monster hiding under the bed may seem absurd to you, humour your toddler and comfort her by making a show of checking under the bed and saying loudly that there is nothing there before you tuck her into bed. If she is scared of the dark, keep a small light on or let her sleep close to you so that she can feel your presence nearby. If you have to leave her alone for a short while, keep the bedroom door slightly open so that she can see that you are still close enough to her.
• Avoid frightening situations. Avoid subjecting your toddler to violent or scary stories – this may include some popular fairy tales! Keep a calm, quiet and soothing atmosphere around the house in the evening leading up to her bedtime to help soothe her nerves. You can also read her bedtime stories of children overcoming their fears to inspire her to overcome her own fears. 

Another tip you can try is to offer your toddler a symbolic talisman – such as a small torchlight for a toddler who is terrified of the dark, or a favourite doll for one who is scared of sleeping alone – so that she can hold on to it and find some comfort while she tries to sleep. 

References:

Aha! Parenting at www.ahaparenting.com

Parenting at www.parenting.com

Baby Center at www.babycenter.com

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